Archive for April, 2011

Pagan Humor XXXII

Moygo

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IMMD & LFMF XXXI

A while ago friends of my parents visited with their two sons Johannes and Lukas. Turned out that their mom, who totally dislikes science fiction and stuff like that, calls them Han and Luke. The look on her face, when she asked what was so funny about those nicknames totally MMD

Boys, remember when you must go use the bathroom late at night, turn on the lights first. Your sister that’s asleep on the toilet will not appreciate the fact that warm yellow liquid is all over her and her brand new PJs. #LFMF

Yesterday my hubby was having trouble getting our cat off our laptop computer, not wanting to “disturb” her by picking her up. Usually she’ll come when you call her, but this time she was completely ignoring him… Until he told her he’d buy her a cheeseburger if she moved off the computer. Then she hopped right off! Best part: when my hubby came in from work today, he had brought a cheeseburger for her, as promised. IMMD!

If it is cold enough outside that you can see your breath, people can also see your farts. #LFMF

Last night my cat walked all over my keyboard while I was typing. She somehow hit “Ctrl F” then “mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm”. I think she was looking for food. IMMD

Do not use your heating pad while you are sleepy, even if it’s on the lowest setting. You will fall asleep and wake up with second degree burns on your hip that leave a dime size scar. #LFMF

I have ALL leukemia and just started losing my hair. My little brother came home from school on friday with all of his friends. They had all shaved their heads. It made me cry, but at the same time IMMD.

When serving beets to your significant other for the first time you may want to explain to him that they dye EVERYTHING red. If you don’t, he will freak out and think he is dying after a trip to the bathroom the next day. #LFMF

This morning I saw a lady with a blanket in our parking lot so I went to investigate. She had just successfully captured a raccoon who had been hit by a car, and was taking it to a vet. People who are kind to wildlife definitely inspire me and IMMD!

If you’re going to spend New Year’s with people who regularly get up at 5 AM; don’t do it at thier house. They will crap out on you at 9 PM and you’ll be toasting in the New Year alone while they snooze on the couch. #LFMF

I sent my 5 year old niece flowers one day last summer because she is a middle child, like me, and I could tell that she needed something special just for her. For Christmas this year, she made me my very own, very secret membership card to the “Middle Girls Club” with a dried flower petal taped to the back. I will keep it forever and it will always MMD!

If you see an attractive girl in a yellow dress it may not be a good idea to approach her by saying: “Pikachu! I choose you!” She may slap you. #LFMF

Today at work at a fast food restaurant I saw a father take a bite of his young daughter’s burger when she wasn’t looking. When she asked him where the rest of her burger was, he looked around, and said in a low voice “the hamburglar strikes again” IMMD

If your wife was complaining about standing on one of your young son’s lego blocks, do not tell her to ‘man up’. She will put lego blocks beside your bed that night and it will hurt in the morning. #LFMF

Today, I found a copy of a book that had been stolen from me when I was a kid in a secondhand bookshop. I opened it and saw, on the first page, in familiar scrawl, my own name. It had been a gift from my now- late Grandfather, and finding it MMD

If you need some moisturiser for a rash on your face, do not pick a random lotion from your wife’s endless collection without consulting her. You will pick the only lotion that includes selftanner and she will laugh at you. So will your colleagues. #LFMF

My husband likes to sneak up and scare me while I’m in the shower. Today I did it to him and he squealed and slapped the glass door like a sissy! My revenge totally MMD!

Mom: I love you with all my butt. I would say heart, but my butt is bigger.

Me and my boyfriend were standing in the kitchen waiting for the pizza to come out of the oven, he leaned down in front of the stove and said “COOOOOK”
he then turned to my 7 month pregnant belly and said it again, we both cracked up laughing and IMMD

Mom: All though mom doesn’t stand for Made of Money, or My own maid. Dad does stand for dumb as dirt.

Moygo

Post Secret X

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Oldy but a goody

In November 1990, police in the Virginia town of Blacksburg were inundated with a flurry of 911 calls from the home of Linda and Danny Hurst. While they quickly ascertained both Hursts were elsewhere and thus weren’t themselves trying to summon help, the source of the calls remained a mystery. Had a burglar who had broken in run into trouble that necessitated a police rescue? Was some unknown person being held hostage in the house? Or had perhaps the phone malfunctioned?

Sheriff’s deputies entered the home with guns drawn, then searched the residence top to bottom.
No burglars or hostages were found. Then Danny Hurst, who had been called to the scene, discovered an overripe tomato in a hanging wire basket dripping juice onto a telephone-answering machine below.

As best police were able to determine, the juice from the distressed tomato shorted out the machine’s dialing system, causing it to call the Sheriff’s Department emergency line.

“I didn’t know the answering machine could even dial out,” Linda Hurst said. “It’s just supposed to take messages.”

Pagan Humor XXXI

Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary Part 5

Author Prefers to remain anonymous

Day 838—After not seeing the psycho squirrel for several days, I decided to allow my hunger to drive me from that damnable tree. I managed to make it as far as the dog house before the sounds of pursuit forced me to hide. Fortunately it was only the dopey dog and my human rescuers. I am now safely back at home.

Day 839—My return to my human rescuers has been celebrated with tuna, an abundance of belly rubs and the most intriguing gift of all- my rescuers have promised me a trip to “Neuter Town”, sounds like a delightful place.

Day 842—I have spent the last few days basking in the lap of luxury as my rescuers continue to pamper me with tuna and belly rubs. I however am still waiting for their promise of a trip to “Neuter Town”, my male rescuer made it seem so fun with his sleigh grins and cheeky smiles.

Moygo

Post Secret IX

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—–Email—–
I have panic attacks about death, because I don’t believe in eternity.

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Only LR!!

Monday April 4th my Sister L.R. decided it was time to finally dye her hair back to its original color so that she wouldn’t have to worry about roots and etc. for her September Wedding. Well apparently she made a mistake in her color choice (this same mistake seems to be a 100% guarantee of happening and 90% of people with this side effect have it happen at the hands of professional stylists! So not even the professionals know this can happen every time!). What was this huge mistake?

She dyed her hair from blond to brown. I’ll repeat that because it really is a “Huh?” statement. She dyed her hair from blond (yellow tone) to brown (a green tone). See where this is going? Her hair turned out brown, then faded to silver, then grey,  then green. All in the time span of four hours!

Okay so her hair is green, can’t be that bad right?

Well you tell me. Would you want hair this color?

So okay, her hairs green, she has to go back to work at her seasonal restaurant job in 6 days. Again not so bad. But wait! She just remembered, that wedding she’s preparing for…the meeting with the reverend is in 3 days! If he doesn’t approve the couple at the weekend long marriage seminar then there will be no wedding!

So now L.R. is panicing. So I start Googleing. Lots of results, all of which asking “What do I do?” But only 1 answer as to what will help once the damage has been done (apparently if you are planning to go from blond to brown you should dye your hair red in between with a temp. dye or kool aid or something. Anything as long as it has red base.). The 1 and only after the fact answer…Pour ketchup on your hair and wait 20 minutes.

Okay so now L.R. decides to do a test strip to see if ketchup will work. So she is setting there with Ketchup on part of her head (and thank Goodness it’s the good stuff) and she’s freaking out that the Reverend wont like her and she wont be able to get married and…and…and… So twenty minutes later she washes the ketchup off and…not much change. So she grabs the food coloring. Her last 5 drops of red, 10 drops of neon pink, 5 drops neon purple and enough water to make it look like beet juice.  She puts that on an other part of her hair and waits five minutes because she wants to cancel out the green not become a red head.

Well the results are kinda purple/red. But if Green Hair+Red Color=Less green then To red Color+ some green Color= Less red right? Yes. By adding a few drops of green to the mix, L.R. was able to come up with a food color mixture that cancelled out the green in her hair and she now has a very nice ash blond.

Post Secret VIII

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Moygo’s Game Reviews I

Review of Xbox 360 Games. These ratings are based on content, graphics, story line, ease of play, age appropriate content for the rating given them. Ratings are out of 5*

  • 3D Ultra Mini Golf 5/5- Fun, good graphics, easy to play, safe for players of all ages.
  • A world of keflings 4/5- First off, the ability to save during the demo would be nice. It’s a cute/fun game once you get into it a little bit, but once you’ve spent time playing it enough to appriciate it, you’ll want to be able to save.
  • Age of booty 3/5- Simply put I found it to be a “Click &wait style game”.  So the story line is slow, the game play is a lot of waiting and it was just boring for me.
  • Bomberman Live 4.5/5- Cute game, good content and etc. only issue is it is a little monotonous.
  • Buku Sudoku 5/5- It’s Sudoku what more can I say.
  • Bulletstorm 2/5- The game creates are trying WAY to hard to make the game “cool” but they do at least explain how to play via an extremely long cut scene.
  • Castle Crashers 4/5- Really nothing wrong with this game except the demo I played wasn’t really long enough to get a feel for it. I believe this game does have great potential though.
  • Custome Quest 0/5- SLOW, boring and pointless. Story line sucks.
  • Deathspank 4/5- Catch phrases get tiresome.
  • Fullhouse poker 4.5/5- My only complaint was that I  can’t speed up NPC players and that can make the game drag on and on.
  • ilomio 4/5-To tough for kids and to childish for adults.
  • Poker smash 5/5- It’s tetrus, it’s poker, it’s brain puzzles, it’s Poker Smash! I love this game.
  • Raskulls 5/5- If you are looking for a cute game, with cute characters, funny story line and short cut scenes, this is for you. Download the demo and you’ll fall in love.
  • Stackables 1/5- This is how the game play goes. Five minute cut scene, take two steps, cut scene, take five steps, cut scene, take five steps, cut scene, take 7 steps… Turn the game off and chuck it out the window.
  • Voodoo dice 5/5- Yet an other game I simply love. It’s fun, it’s a puzzle but it’s not an overly difficult puzzle and that’s good when you just wanna have fun.
  • You don’t know jack 4/5- A lot of double entendre and sexual innuendos. Great for an adult only party but I wouldn’t want my pre-teen kids hearing the stuff they say. Also the demo only has 2 “episodes” to play and the full game appears to only have 7. This means that since you play episodes and not random questions, once you’ve played all seven episodes the game is done and I know that seven episodes would only last one night of game play with my friends and I.

IMMD & LFMF XXX

  • While I was working register, a teenage boy (pants sagging low of course) was checking out with some items he had. meanwhile, an elderly gentleman cam up behind him and said ‘Christ, kid, pull your pants up, I know your balls ain’t that big!’ The kid flushed red and ran out the door without even bothering to get his change, IMMD!
  • Before my mom passed away, she started a holiday tradition called Health Wealth and Happiness bags. Oranges for health, Chocolate coins for wealth, and Chunky candy bars for happiness. After searching all over town I finally found the last two Chunky bars available. Being able to continue a favorite holiday tradition totally MMD!
  • Today, I was in a supermarket and happened to be wearing my black raincoat and Slytherin scarf (because I’m a massive nerd) I was standing by the Halloween stuff when I heard a small gasp and a little kid was starring at me. He whispered something to his mum and kept starring she smiled at me and said “He just asked why you weren’t at school already and was it because dobby had locked you out of the platform to” totally and completely IMMD
  • I was sitting at the bar and a guy sits down a couple chairs over from me. He says to me, “Have you ever had a day where you feel like your leg is going to fall of?” As I start to commiserate he takes his prosthetic leg off and sets it in the seat between us. We both cracked up and it MMD!
  • The other day I was struggling with tidying my incredibly messy room, and just couldn’t keep motivated. As I was listening to the radio, I decided to text in requesting a song. When the DJ read it out, it turned out that he’d gone to primary school with me and recognized my name! Randomly finding an old friend again MMD!

Moygo

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