Archive for September, 2010

Pagan Humor XVII

Top 10 Signs you’re not a very good witch

10. Your drum and chant ends with “Hey! Macarena!”

9. You find your animal totem in the other world, and it pees on your leg.

8. Your psychic visions are interrupted by commercials.

7. You’re making a medicine wheel when someone comes up and starts yelling, “That’s my steering wheel!”

6. Bored with the sweat lodge, you ask the guy beside you to pull Your finger.

5. You’re asked to put out the sacred fire in your apartment.

4. You put on the wolf skin and begin chanting, and then you hear a growling sound in your ear.

3. You’re spirit guide did ten years in the state penitentiary, wants To know where the action is.

2. You believe you’re taking a mind-altering substance, then your Wife asks where her birth control pills are.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’RE NOT A VERY GOOD WITCH
1. You thought Soul Retrieval was a James Brown song


Thank you to cartoonstock.com and offthemark.com for the photoes. XXO

IMMD & LFMF X

I saw a woman with
a lower back tattoo that said "Trust No Man." She was
pregnant. IMMD

When tapping your foot to the music while driving, tap your left foot, not your right one. #LFMF

I discovered the reset code for our IP phones is "*27238", but it’s more
easily remembered as "star-c-r-a-f-t". IMMD

When you put a brand-new rechargeable 9-volt battery in the charger,
make sure it’s turned around the right way, or it won’t charge. The day
after, when it STILL isn’t charged, take it out of its clear plastic
wrapper and try again. #LFMF

Today I got to be a deer midwife and delivered a fawn who was stuck
upside down. It was so gross, but IMMD!

Nail polish might seem like it would make a long lasting lipstick, but
no. Not only does it burn like acid on your lips, it shrinks while doing
so. #LFMF

28 years ago, my mother dropped out of college to take care of me. Then
came my brother… then my sister… and then my littlest sister. She’s
been busy for a long time. Today, we all applauded as we watched her
walk the stage to receive her bachelor’s and it totally MMD

Do not try things you learn about here at Learn From My Fail… #LFMF

Over the years I have collected stuffed sheep as a hobby, but upon our
recent move, I realized I had way to many. So I listed my extras on
craigslist and had an instant response from a grandmother looking for
toys for her six grandkids who lost their toys in a house flood. It was
great to give the sheep to kids who would enjoy them and play with
them. IMMD!!

Dont assume your 12 year old daughter realizes that the blood during a
period is not blue like in the commercials. You may be awaken at 1
o’clock in the morning to her crying thinking there is something wrong
with her. #LFMF

A kid I fence with told me that he sent an email to the Jonas brothers,
in which he called them idiots. They responded. He didn’t tell me what
they said, but he said he learned a bunch of new swear words. IMMD.

Never own both a light-haired cat and a dark-haired cat. No matter what you choose to wear, you just can’t win. #LFMF

Some People Can Be So Rude!!!

Sept. 19, 2010

Being a large woman I am use to people staring at me on occasion. However in my hometown there are a lot of woman much larger then I. So last evening while out grocery shopping, when my husband and I stopped at McDonald’s for a bite (and to grab a couple burgers for the next day’s lunch) I was very annoyed when this super skinny woman was staring at me. Now I could understand if perhaps she was dressed like Princess Diana (may she rest in peace) but no. This woman was wearing tights (you know those pantyhose people think are real pants but you can still totally see through them in the right light, or the wrong light…), flip-flops and a winter coat. Seriously you’re almost naked from the waist down and you’re wearing a winter coat???? Anyway, she was staring at me the entire time we were in the “restaurant”. She would look at my shoes, and then my legs and even bent over slightly to look under the table at my stomach. Then she would start at my feet again.

Okay, fine. critique my clothing choices and my chubby figure, just remember, you’re wearing pantyhose as pants, flip-flops and a winter coat and you’re in McDonald’s at 9 pm on a Saturday, just like me. So kiss my ass you old bat!!! Lol.

Friendly Competition

My sister (LR) and I have entered a friendly competition to see who can get more Kilometers on our Gazelle Gliders in 15 days (Sept. 15-30). I’ve tried to get my husband to do it to, but only time will tell if he actually puts down the electronic gizmo of choice this week and gets some exercise. So far I’ve gotten 3 KM but I did bike 3 km today and walked 1, so even though my Gazelle isn’t getting the exercise I am.


Pagan Humor XVI

Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary Part 2


Author Prefers to remain anonymous

Day 774—I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half wit. The bird on-the-other-hand has got to be an informant he speaks with them on a regular basis. I am certain he is reporting on my every move. Due to his placement in a metal room his safety is assured. But, I can watch and I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

Day 779—Today I managed to escape, if but briefly. A small captor by the name of cousin Jill was inattentive in her door opening duties and I was able to slip by her unseen. Unfortunately the dog saw me as I dashed for the wooded area behind the house and cousin Jill was able to corner me. I promptly repaid her for my recapture by urinating in her left shoe.

Day 811—After my near escape weeks ago, I have been feeling less then myself and have been sleeping less then usual. With only 15 hours of sleep a day, I am exhausted. If sleep does not come more easily in the
next few days I feel I may not last passed the week’s end.


Day 814—I had a bit of fun today. The dog will need therapy to fully
recover. My captors were not amused and have removed my food dish from
its usual spot. I will wait until the retire this evening and find where
they have put it.


Day 815—Last evening in my searching for my food dishes new location, I knocked over what my female captor refereed to “Great Aunt Tessie’s Urn” it must have been her favourite toy because she was very upset that I thought its contents were a litter box.

IMMD & LFMF IX

*When you are about to mace a few bees with a jet-powered can of extremely toxic pesticide, for the love of God, make sure the nozzle is pointing AWAY from your face. #LFMF

*I was putting Simpson stamps on the envelopes of bills I was preparing to mail. When I finished, I noticed that I had put a stamp of Homer belching on the envelope for the gas company. IMMD

*Just because it’s 6 am and you’re in the shower don’t assume the banging on the bathroom door is your fianceé needing to pee and yell come in… your building could be on fire and a fireman might be opening your shower curtain. #LFMF

*When I was at work today, a dad and his two kids came through my checkstand with their groceries. I noticed that they had a Hannah Montana Cookbook and a bottle of wine in their order. I told the dad that I didn’t know there were any recipes in that cookbook that called for wine. He looked at me, winked, and said "They call for LOTS of wine." I laughed hard and IMMD.

*Just because you can’t hear your own farts while wearing sound-canceling ear buds doesn’t mean other people can’t. #LFMF

*We were reading a story in class called “The Princess and the Plumber”. After discussing it for about a half hour, the only boy in the class burst out with “Am I the only one thinking Mariokart right now??” IMMD

*Wait a few minutes after the popcorn comes out of the microwave before putting the unpopped kernels in your mouth. Just because they haven’t popped yet doesn’t mean they won’t… #LFMF

*I just watched a 70 year old professor skateboard to his next class. IMMD

*Napkins used after eating hot wings and then shoved in you pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink. #LFMF

*Today I let my mom use my computer to do some work. An hour later I saw her scrubbing my screen because there was a spec on it. It turned out to be a period and IMMD!

Moon Phases September