Archive for July, 2010

Some Good Points about Marriage

Facebook Reply:

Good advice from whomever sent this to post secret. Monogamy just doesn’t  work for some people (50% of marriages end in divorce, a small amount end in one partner passing away, so what does that leave? Probably less then 40% of marriages that last, and how many of them are happy marriages? I’d rather be deemed a slut then give my soul for some man.)

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IMMD & LFMF VI

  • I was at the post office mailing a gift package to a friend in Canada; the box was covered in Hello Kitty stickers for her. The postal employee went out of his way to put the claim sticker on the box so it didn’t cover any of the Hello Kitty ones. IMMD!
  • To slam a door is a good way to express your anger. To slam a revolving door, however, is not #LFMF
  • When my son was four, he used to love watching Bill Nye, the Science Guy. One day when I got home from work, he ran down the hall at me and yelled, "Look at me, Daddy! I have momentum!!" IMMD
  • When energetically using a toilet brush
    inside the bowl, remember to keep your mouth shut. #LFMF

  • I was returning my rental car when the man behind the counter got a phone call. He did what one would expect – identified himself and stated the name of the rental company. But the actual words out of his mouth were "Enterprise, this is Jim," and as a Star Trek nerd it TOTALLY made my day.
  • When informed of the waiting period on
    guns at walmart; it is NOT infact witty to reply asking where the
    chainsaws are. Police will be notified. #LFMF

  • My ultra-Christian sister is teaching her son "Just a Closer Walk With Thee". He keeps singing it "You are weak but I am strong." He told me he’s doing it specifically to wind her up. The kid’s 6. IMMD

Parents Say The Darnedest Things:

  • “Can you come look at the computer? Something happened when I was using that… that Mozzarella Foxfire. I don’t know.”
  • Me: “How did you manage figuring out how to join Matt’s event on Facebook?”
    Dad: “I don’t know how I responded because I tried and could not figure it out. I clicked on party’s and before I could get out of there I think I signed up for a kegger party, some gay guys dog baptism, and some fat chick with a full beard is coming to pick me up at 9:30 tomorrow night on a moped. I am never going on facebook again.”
  • Mom: "When the angel told Mary ‘you shall call him Emanuel,’ what if
    Mary had said, ‘but I wanna name him Sparky!’"
  • Dad: I used to be in the lollipop guild…but I got kicked out
    Sister: Why?
    Dad: For gum-chewing.

Pagan Humor XII

July Moon Phases

Pagan Humor XI

You know your Coven’s getting older when…

    * The ritual feast is puréed.
    * Last Beltane the coven decided it would be nice to go out to dinner to celebrate.
    * The last time you tried to do a spiral dance your oxygen feeds got tangled
    * Viagra is kept in the coven supplies
    * The maiden of the coven is a grandmother
    * The ritual room is outfitted with defibrillators
    * The coveners drive their RV’s to Scottsdale for the Autumnal equinox
    * When you are at a festival you go to bed at sunset
    * It takes the whole coven to move the cauldron
    * The high priest still has a vendetta going against Richard Nixon
    * You find yourself using your pendulum over the stock pages in the newspaper
    * You tell an initiate that in your day you had to slog through five feet of snow uphill both ways when you did a Yule ritual
    * You drop your teeth in the ritual cup
    * At Samhain you see more of your coveners in the Wild Hunt than you do in circle.
    * You put your athame in the chalice during ritual but you can’t remember why.
    * You hold an all night blow-out drum frenzy and none of your neighbors noticed.
    * You use Glenn Miller records for trance music.
    * All of your ritual robes are tie-dyed
    * Your coven has a 401(k) retirement plan.
    * A nitro pill vial replaces the crystal on your pendant.
    * No one’s successfully jumped the Beltaine fire since 1983.
    * When the coven sings, "Creak and groan, creak and groan . . ."
    * When you set comfy chairs around the circle.
    * When you sit on the floor and can’t get up again.
    * You do anointing with Aspercreme.
    * The oak tree your coven planted died of old age.
    * You use Bran Muffins and Prune Juice for Cakes & Ale because you need the extra fiber.
    * You don’t use salt to consecrate you altar because you need to stay away from extra sodium.
    * You use a walker during the Wild Hunt
    * You prefer to rent a Hall for rituals because the bathrooms are closer.
    *You need a flashlight to find the candles.

I will not comment on how many (or which ones) pertain to me and my fellow coven members. Let’s just say there are several, lol.