Archive for August, 2011

Pagan Humor XLII

Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary Part 7

Author Prefers to remain anonymous

Day 950—Now that I have fully recovered from the shock and the loss of my “kinder eggs” I am feeling much better. The supply of tuna continues to be abundant and my female capture is most forth coming with the belly rubs.

Day 959—Today cousin Jill drop in and once again she was inattentive in her door minding duties. However, upon exiting my capture’s home, I remembered I no longer like the outside world. Each time I venture forth I come back feeling less and less catly.

Day 967—I has been raining unceasingly again. I’ve been sleeping almost non-stop for the last week. I am so very tired of this weather. If it does not stop soon, I will be forced to find alternative ways to get my daily dose of light on my tummy.

Day 969—I spent the day “sunning” myself under my captors’ desk lamp. The female was most surprised to find that I have the ability to turn it on at will. Like you need thumbs to push a button! The captors seem to think I am nothing more then a mindless drone like the dog. As if!

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Post Secret XLIII

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—–Email—–
I am a 31 year old ordained non-denominational minister. Last winter I went to a 30 day inpatient facility for grief and suicidal thoughts. I found God there more than I did at the church that ordained me. Go.

—–Email—–

To Heaven:

I think you’re insane and haven’t realized it yet.
For More See: http://www.postsecret.com/

IMMD & LFMF XXXIX

(after borrowing a book of spells from me) Mom:My secretary and I went and sat with the janitor in his closet and used that one spell to get lotto numbers. I don’t think it worked.

Me:Are you serious?
Mom: Well yeah, you said it would work.

Mom: You are such a lunacorn.
Me: What’s a lunacorn?
Mom: A loser unicorn.

If you wake up still drunk from your 21st Bday and someone calls to wish you happy bday. DO NOT assume it is one of you friends and tell him you got your ass beat by strippers and may have peed next to your bed. It could be your girlfriends Dad and he will NOT be amused. #LFMF

I received an email from my academic advisor telling me I could take up to 18 hours in the summer. I sent a text to my boyfriend saying I can walk the stage in Spring, but have some summer classes. His response “So a fall wedding?” It MMD,Month,Year!

Sometimes, when you drop a pen it’s best to just let it fall. However, the frantic flailing as you try to catch it that results is you punching yourself in your own crotch does amuse the ladies. #LFMF

I have this really big assignment to complete and I’ve been feeling the stress of having to get it done. I was working on it tonight and almost in tears when I heard this long drawn-out groan of pleasure. I looked up to see my goofy dog butt-shuffling past the window. His timing MMD!

Wait for the baby to stop making that grunting noise, THEN change the diaper. #LFMF

 

Post Secret XLII

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For More See: http://www.postsecret.com/

Pagan Humor XLI

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Post Secret XXV

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For More See: http://www.postsecret.com/

Toronto Bound Plane Forced To Montreal-Radar Problems

Tuesday morning a plane headed from Halifax, Nova Scotia to Toronto, Ontario was forced to return (from Toronto) to Montreal for an emergancy landing. Weather radar malfunctions on the plane caused its inability to land in Toronto fog and its need to return to Montreal for landing.

Once down passengers were held on the plane while repairs were attempted. One hour later they were de-boarded and told a replacement plane was being sent. That plane also had problems which grounded it. Finally a replacement replacement plane was found and once the Montreal bound passengers disembarked the stranded Toronto bound passengers boarded. All arrived safely at their destination having been stranded in Montreal for the better part of Tuesday.

I’m A Gryffindor!

IMMD & LFMF XXXVIII

  • I work at a candy store. Today a little boy, about 5 y, and his parents came in to buy sweets. The boy came straight to me and said “Look!” and showed me his little hands. His fingernails were painted red. I showed him mine (pink with white flowers on them) and he stared at them in awe. His enthusiasm and lack of comprehension of gender roles totally MMD!
  • When setting a drink down onto a table, always clear the spot first- a simple Lego piece can send that hot cup of coffee flying into your lap. And possibly onto the cat. #LFMF
  • When at Wal-Mart, squeezing the bottle of lotion ever so gently to smell the scent may cause it to violently squirt out of the bottle and into your nostril. It burns. #LFMF

Post Secret XXIV

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The following email was posted with permission. The wedding band has been removed and Federal Expressed back to the sender.]

Dear Frank,

This past week you should have received a postcard with a keystroke counter and a wedding ring. My husband used the keystroke counter to spy on me during my affair.

Is there anyway I can get my ring back? You can post the secret, maybe another person can learn from it, how much damage an affair can cause and how easy it is to be caught.

We’re going through marriage counseling now and I’m trying to make amends. Neither of us wants to split our home and our two kids up because of a mistake I made.

Thank you very much.
For More See: http://www.postsecret.com/

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