Archive for November, 2010

IMMD & LFMF XX

*While waiting at a red light, the cop next to me motioned for me to roll down my window. When I did, he asked if he could cut in front of me when the light turned green. I agreed, and as soon as we went through the light he turned on his lights and pulled over the guy in front of me who had cut me off at the last intersection. IMMD.

*If you plan on growing out your beard so you can braid it, you should first consider giving up the fire spinning gig. #LFMF

*My parents were paying for a can of paint and my dad asked the employee if he could have one of the store’s promotional yardsticks. The employee gave it to him, then handed one to my mom, saying, “In case she needs to hit you back.” IMMD

*When mooching around in the attic, always remember where you are relative to the opening you climbed up through. Do not, for example, just step back. It’s closer than you think. #LFMF

*My sister (who has five kids) was making fun of my wife (who has had three miscarriages) for not having any kids. My wife waited until my sister wasn’t looking, then gave my sister’s 3 year old son a permanent marker, telling him it was magic and that anything he drew with it would be there forever. IM his D and mine!

*If the hose stops working while you’re in the middle of watering the garden and you look down it to see why, consider that your little sister may be standing at the tap waiting for you to do exactly that. #LFMF

*Every year for Halloween I dress as a different Disney Princess at work. The year I was Ariel, I had a family ask to take their baby’s photo with me and happily agreed. Upon seeing the baby’s costume I just about died of laughter. He was dressed as a little lobster. IMMD.

*When you hear your neighbors seven year old daughter calmly ask you to get the cops for her, stop, take a deep breath and think. She may just need a cup, and you will have far less to explain to the police. #LFMF

*I got a new flashlight at work, and it’s supposed to be practically indestructible– water resistant, chemical resistant, safe for flammable environments, shatterproof– and has a lifetime guarantee stating so. However, the guarantee also states that is is not warrantied against “shark bite, bear attack, or damage caused by children under five.” The fact that sharks, bears, and preschoolers are in the same category totally MMD!

*When you live in a dusty house, take the time to dust the vanes of your ceiling fan above your bed. When you change the direction for air to blow down, it will, along with all the dust and fuzz that somehow got trapped up there. #LFMF

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5 Things Nobody Tells You About Quitting Drinking | Cracked.com

I encurage everyone to read this article. It’s funny but it’s 100% true (my uncle is an alcoholic and this stuff is all accurate with his quitting.)

5 Things Nobody Tells You About Quitting Drinking | Cracked.com.

Local {Police Cruiser} News I

(Note: Due to the sensitive nature of cases concerning sexual assault, children’s welfare and mental health issues, not all calls are considered appropriate for publication)

— November 23 at 10:15 a.m. Hampton. A break and enter into a residence was reported. A quantity of copper wire and electrical cable was stolen.

— November 23 at 2:54 p.m. A concerned parent in Nictaux contacted police after a child got off at the wrong bus stop. The child was found safe.

— November 23 at 4:16 p.m. Police were called to the scene of a motor vehicle accident in Princedale after an ATV driver lost control and collided with a tree. The driver was taken to hospital with head injuries.

— November 23 at 9:30 p.m. Police received a report of a traffic hazard in South Farmington after a horse was seen running down the road. The horse was corralled and brought back to the stable.

— November 25 at 6:46 a.m. Police, EHS, and the Annapolis Royal Fired Department were called to a single vehicle accident in Belleisle after a driver lost control and the vehicle flipped over in the ditch. The driver was taken to hospital with minor injuries. The vehicle was towed.

— November 26 at 1:58 p.m. Police received a report of wiring harnesses stolen from three snowplows.

— November 27 at 3:08 a.m. Police were asked to help locate an individual from Nictaux. The person was found safe.

— November 27 at 5:01 p.m. A Middleton business reported that trailers had been broken into. The matter remains under investigation.

— November 27 at 11 p.m. A police check in Torbrook resulted in a driver being issued a suspension and a ticket for driving without a license.

Crimes, or information on crimes, can be reported to Annapolis RCMP at 665-4481 in Bridgetown or 825-2000 in Middleton. Information on crimes can alsobe reported to Crime Stoppers at 1-800-222-TIPS.

Pagan Humor XXI


$5 for each person who clicks

IMMD & LFMF XIX

*Dad: You guys can predict when the world is going to end, right?
Jehovah’s Witness: Yes sir.
Dad: Well, please just come back the day before then.

*(On the phone with Dunkin Donuts)
Mom: Give me a Camden County police officer! And don’t tell me there’s not one there!
(She got one)

*Dad: If I ever went to that hospital, I wouldn’t care about Dr. McSteamy or McDreamy, I would ask for Dr. McCompetent.

*We just got shelves put in our pantry. I put everything away as a favor to my wife. She looked, then told me “you arranged things exactly the way I would have.” There was a moment of silence. Then she said (in a GIR voice) “I know, I’m scared too.” IMMD.

*If you’re a chunky girl, and you lock your keys in your house, do NOT assume you will fit through your small bedroom window. You will get stuck, and the fire dept. will send only the hottest firemen to pull your butt out. Then you get to watch said fireman hop his sexy little butt through the same window to unlock your door for you. #LFMF

*I was at a show last night and the old man sitting next to me looked over and said “I have had all of my joints replaced, except one hip and when that goes, I’ll be Iron Man.” IMMD

*No matter how prolonged and enthusiastic your endeavours are, it is not possible to remove a shadow from a white carpet using an 1800watt vacuum cleaner. #LFMF

Pagan Humor XX

Top 13 Reasons to become a Witch

13. I live for persecution!
12. I’m a night person at heart.
11. We respect our elders…and alders, and willows and oaks.
10. I just love explaining that a pentagram is NOT evil.
9. We do more after midnight than most people do all day!
8. Being burned at the stake is a great way to roast marshmallows.
7. We can talk to Elvis (and he IS dead).
6. You live, you learn, you die, you forget. Then you comeback…
5. Double the deities, double the fun!
4. We get more holidays.
3. Brooms get great mileage.
2. We were here first!
1. BELTANE!!!

***********************************************************************

You Know You’re a Witch When…

  1. Your BOS has spots on the pages from spilled brews.
  2. When cleaning house you have to specify. “Where is the broom? No, not the broom, where is the one to clean the floor with?”
  3. Candle wax has dripped on your keyboard.
  4. There are more jars of strange smelling plants in your cupboards than there are cereal boxes.
  5. Friends know they can always give you candles and incense as a gift.
  6. When watching old re-runs of Bewitched, you find you side with Samantha’s mother Endora.
  7. When travelling, stranger and stranger strangers tell you their problems.
  8. You find yourself making corn dollies in the checkout line at the grocery store (well, I thought about it).
  9. You ask for Halloween off, because it’s a religious holiday.
  10. You start answering the phone with “Merry Meet”.

Samhain Humor

November Moon Phase

IMMD & LFMF XIII

  • When asked if she wanted whipped cream on her drink, a BBW replied, “do you think i got this body without whipped cream?!” IMMD
  • When travelling long distances in a C130 Hercules aircraft and you are seated next to a gorgeous guy from your unit, “accidentally” falling asleep with your head on his shoulder is cute, however, drooling on his shoulder is not. #LFMF
  • After years of being out of shape and having medical problems, I have started walking and jogging. This morning, I ran a solid mile for the first time in my life at the age of 36. IMMD
  • When you decide to shave your big beard off after getting home late, be sure to tell your sleeping girlfriend. Otherwise, you might wake up to blood curdling screams and a gun in your face. #LFMF
  • Me: These recalls on all these different baby products are ridiculous.
    Dad: You’re right, I can trace these problems down to one problem, the baby!
  • Today, my bicycle brake unexpectedly broke and I almost fell off my bike. An elderly man immediately approached, took a Swiss army knife and a screw out of his coat pocket and repaired my bicycle. IMMD!
  • Today a 1st grader at the school where I teach came running up to tell me that she only has 3 treatments left before her leukaemia is officially in remission. We shared a giant hug and it totally MMD.
  • Let The Bodies Hit The Floor” is not an appropriate ringtone when one works in a nursing home. #LFMF