Archive for September, 2011

My Sister’s {Finally} Married!

If you’re going to make jokes in a wedding speech, make sure they don’t offend the bride. Especially if you’re the groom. #LFMF

If your dress is a little tight when you try it on the day before your wedding, DO NOT let your friend convince you that the solution is a new pilates workout she’s just started. You WILL be sore and it will impact on every aspect of the day. #LFMF

Sister: I think that yellow, brown, and green would be really cute wedding colors.
Mom: Yeah, it reminds me of diarrhea. Diarrhea is just adorable!

(At my wedding reception)
Grandma: Honey, the next time you get married, I’d like you to wear your hair down.

My brother has social anxiety and most times he can’t even go out in public. But last week he stood up at our best friends wedding and despite the anxiety gave a speech. We all cried at what he’d overcome and it made our year!

If you’re the emcee of your sister’s wedding, it may be funny to swap out “Here Comes the Bride,” with the “Imperial March,” from Star Wars, but you shouldn’t be surprised if she stops the wedding to kick your ass. #LFMF

When you are in the middle of your wedding ceremony, do not joke by telling your future wife, “I’m not sure of this.” She will hit you with the flowers and make you look like a real jerk. #LFMF

If your newly wedded sister asks you to check her inbox to see if her husband texted, don’t. You may just end up getting scarred for life by the nude pictures they sent each other earlier but forgot to delete. #LFMF

When going wedding ring shopping with your fiance, and she picks out a ring that looks too ugly for her, say “I don’t think that one is beautiful enough for you.” NEVER say “Babe, you don’t deserve that ring!” She will indeed take it the wrong way. #LFMF

If you’ve had a few beverages at a wedding reception and decide to go out on the dance floor and bust a move, try to remember that you are over 50 and it has been at least 15 years since you have been on a dance floor. You WILL bust more than just a move! #LFMF

When you are preparing for a wedding and your Mother tells you she’s had the same Hairdryer for 14 years, DO NOT let her use it on your head. It will finally explode in a shower of sparks that will then cause several people to beat your hair until you stop smoking. This smell also takes time to wash out #LFMF

When planning an outdoor wedding, keep in mind that wind + candles + flowing veil + flammable hairspray = epic fail. #LFMF

If someone you love proposes to you and you accept, don’t then start telling them about the wedding plans you’d had with your previous relationship. #LFMF

The “Wedding March” and “Oh Christmas Tree” start with the same notes. Look twice where you are before you start singing loudly. #LFMF

In case you are in the house of that girl you fancy and you happen to just topple a newly opened beer in that expensive handbag she just showed you, don’t start to dance stupid and silly, while inventing/moaning a new song, in an attempt to distract her. She’ll notice and she will repeat that awful dance on your wedding day. #LFMF

The Salt and Sugar containers should always be labeled before baking a cake…..for a wedding. #LFMF

If you’re at the reception after a wedding, that dish full of white flower shapes on the table is not white chocolate. It is, in fact, full of butter. #LFMF

Ladies: If you’re going to the beach it is always a good idea to trim up your bikini line. However, it is NEVER a good idea to do this the day of your trip. Especially if said trip is your honeymoon. Because apparently saltwater and freshly shaven skin do not mix well. #LFMF

If you put the wedding rings in the drawer at your night table, when your future mother in law asks if you want her to get them so you dont forget them, remember that you put your handcuffs in there too before saying yes.

When you are in the middle of your wedding ceremony, do not joke by telling your future wife, “I’m not sure of this.” She will hit you with the flowers and make you look like a real jerk. #LFMF

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Pagan Humor XLIV

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Post Secret LII

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Dear Potty
No one ever says it but only handicapped stalls are rated for use by people over 250 lbs of weight. If you were using the larger stall when this happened then you are right, and someone screwed up (and it wasn’t you, so don’t feel ashamed whether you are 110 lbs or 510 lbs).
For More See: http://www.postsecret.com/

Damb Right Rosie!!!

IMMD & LFMF XLI

When playing with a Nerf gun with your 2 year old daughter, after teaching her not to point it at people, never shoot your wife in the leg as a joke. Your daughter will shout “Daddy, no shoot Mommy!” and proceed to shoot you in the eye with said Nerf gun. It will hurt. Your wife will laugh. #LFMF

Today I saw two guys walking through my city holding hands. People were staring but they held their heads high and carried on walking. I couldn’t help but give them the thumbs up. Their pride in who they are and their refusal give in to the people who verbally abuse them and stare disapprovingly absolutely MMD! Thank you guys in the city, keep being proud of who you are!

hen you are a ten year old with no money and think it’s cute to give your parents “gift certificates” for household chores on their birthdays, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD put an expiration date on them. Otherwise you WILL get a phone call after you have moved 50 miles away and are living on your own, demanding those 3 hours of garage cleaning. #LFMF

Recently my mother has finished a weight loss boot camp, in addition to many other life changes. She used to be dangerously obese, but now has a body fat of under 20%. It’s also inspired me to get off my butt and lose weight as well and IMMYear.

When wondering why there aren’t any customers coming into the shop, CHECK that you’ve flipped the closed sign to open!!! #LFMF

I volunteer at my local hospital once a week. Today, as I was helping out in the physical therapy gym, I helped an older man take his first steps with a prosthetic leg. The tears in his wife’s eyes when she saw this MMD

When a girl you have a crush on is totally unaware of it, and has a curvy, busty figure, never ask her about the corset she’s having made. She will show you pictures. It will keep you awake. #LFMF

I’m struggling financially and I was upset at the repeated calls from bill collectors. My 7 year old son brought his piggy bank he’s had since he was 1 year old and said ‘mommy here, so those mean men will quit calling you and making you cry’. His concern and big heart MML.

NEVER ever NEVER EVER leave your favorite album at the house of a boyfriend. You will break up and you will never see the album again. Years will pass, you will be way over him,and you will still miss that album. #LFMF

Post Secret LI

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—–Tweet—–
@chelcieoliver Frank helped save my marriage by sending my ring back off a card I sent in. It was my husband’s grandma’s.

—–Email—–
Please propose on September 26th.

—-Email—
This summer alone, I hurt my shoulder masturbating on my motorcycle, my hip and back on the washing machine and my ankle in the pool. All separate occasions but each time I told my husband I did it doing housework…
For More See: http://www.postsecret.com/

Near Tragedy At Clark Rutherford Memorial School

Tuesday, September 13, at Clark Rutherford Memorial School, located in Cornwallis, Nova Scotia, a tragedy was narrowly averted, by an 8 year old’s quick thinking.

Young Joe Wallis* was playing with his friends when terror struck, in the form of a bee sting. Joe, who had been diagnosed with a sever allergy to stings at a young age darted for his Epipen but was unable to reach his book bag before collapsing. An as-of-yet unknown boy -details only reveal him to be 8 years of age- recognized the symptoms and quickly sprung into action.

The teacher on playground duty was panicked as she attempted to first locate and then administer the Epipen shot. The unknown hero instructed an other student to grab the pen from Joe’s bag and then the unknown boy instructed the teacher on how to open the injection device, he guided her through the process of injecting and properly draining the shot into Joe’s frail body. Luckily and due to the quick thinking of this young hero, Joe has made a full recovery.

This reporter wants to know, in this day and age why aren’t the teachers and staff educated in this life saving procedure. As a former child care administrator, this reporter knows first hand that to take a child into your care, whether it be in your home, a day care or etc. you must be certified in CPR, First Aid and other life saving procedures. So why I ask, are the teachers of Clark Rutherford Memorial School not educated on administering Epipens to allergy victims?

When we spoke to the mother of the victim, she had this to say:

“Tomorrow I’m going down to that school and have a talk with that principal. I wanna know why my son can’t eat a peanut butter sandwich over the weekend because some kid on the other end of the school has an allergy and shouldn’t be forced to risk a reaction on Monday, but my kid can be forced to risk one playing outside. I want those lawns mowed, I want the area check for nests and I want those teachers taught how to use an Epipen.”

*Names change to protect the identity of the victim.

Pagan Humor XLIII

A conversation between Pagan Mom and Daughter:

Mother- “So what are you going to name the baby if it is a girl?”

Daughter-“Daisy”

Mother-“Daisy? Why did you decide on Daisy?”

Daughter-“Because you can’t name a baby ‘Oopsa Daisy'”

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Post Secret L

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—-Email—–
I’m worry that no one will want to marry me because I want a Star Trek wedding.

—-Email—–

Dear Cellphone Dropper… I’m scared to, I really love my old phone and can’t replace it!
For More See: http://www.postsecret.com/

Cyber Spider

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