Archive for January, 2011

Pagan Humor XXVI

Circle Etiquette (varied sources)

* Never summon Anything you can’t banish.

* Never put asafoetida on the rocks in the sweat lodge.

* Do not attempt to walk more than 10 paces while wearing all of your ritual jewelry, dream bags and crystals at the same time.

* When proposing to initiate someone, do not mention the Great Rite, leer, and say, “Hey, your trad or mine?”

* Never laugh at someone who is skyclad. They can see you, too.

* Never, *ever* set the Witch on fire.

* Looking at nifty pictures is not a valid path to mastering the ancient grimoires. Please read thoroughly and carefully from beginning to end so that your madness and gibberings will at least make some sense.

* A good grasp of ritual and ritual techniques are essential! In the event of a random impaling, or other accidental death amongst the participants, (see next rule) a quick thinker can improvise to ensure successful completion of the Rite. Make them another sacrifice, Demons really love those those.

* Watch where you wave the sharp pointy items.

* Avoid walking through disembodied spirits.

* Carry an all-purpose translator’s dictionary in case the ritual leader begins talking in some strange and unknown language.

* Avoid joining your life force to anything with glowing red eyes.

* If asked to sign a contract or pact and you are experiencing doubts or reservations, sign your neighbor’s name. Malevolent entities rarely ask for photo ID.

* Blood IS thicker than water. Soak ritual garments an extra 30-45 minutes.

* While drunken weaving may be mistaken for ecstatic dancing, slurring the names of Deities is generally considered bad form.

* If the ritual leader should ask for a volunteer, resist the urge to raise your hand! While it is true that volunteering will most likely gain you stature and prestige amongst the group, thereby allowing you to advance quickly through the ranks, it is equally likely to get you strapped to a table and eaten alive by a drooling demonic horde.

Love Takes Time, Don’t Give Up On It.

Even though I haven’t found you yet, I take comfort in knowing you havn’t found me either.

Be patient.

Reply: It seems I found mine 17 years ago, but neither of us realised it until a year ago. And then suddenly it was the right place, right time, and the right person. 🙂

Wand Ordering Info.

First, remember that the wand is not the sole source of power. You, the user, are the source. The wand is simply a tool
to help you focus thought and intention and direct that energy toward your focus point.

When buying a wand there are several things you will want to consider beyond the obvious appearance. The first thing
to consider is your purpose with the wand. Wands can be used to enhance the effects of healing treatments, to charge
or empower other objects or to guide energy during rituals. I recommend having a different wand for healing rituals
and magic rituals to reduce the chance of unwanted left-over energies and possible conflicts with intent during healings.
(Though a good cleansing between uses can also work).

A healing wand is one that you would use exclusively for healing sessions on yourself or others, or for use in healing
rituals. A wand used for general magic is less structured (usually without stone/crystal tipping) then a healing wand and
shows more of its owner’s individual qualities, personality and strengths. Non-healing wands tend to be more

Wood selection is important and related to your intent. Every wood has its own unique qualities and characteristics. You
may be the type of person with strong innate healing abilities and may only want a wand to enhance that strength in general
or you may not have the innate ability and chose a wood that has its own focused energy to help bring that healing
ability out in you. I use willow for all my wands at this time as it offers a wide spectrum of uses. however, if requested I
can and will use other woods.

Also important is how the wand will feel in your hand. If you are a smaller framed person a large thick wand may feel
uncomfortable and to large in your hand. In the same way a larger man might feel uncomfortable holding a thin delicate
wand. Like-wise a person with arthritis may need a larger wand to accommodate their grip.

Length is an other important consideration for ease of use. Tradition sets length of a wand as the distance between the
crook of the arm and the tip of the middle finger, but that is only a good baseline. Customization to suit your taste is
most important. For example, a smaller “pocket” wand is versatile for travel or as in my case one of my own personal
wands exceeds “tradition” by over 3 inches and feels comfortable and energetic.

You may want to practice with a wooden spoon or other objects of various sizes to determine a length and width that
feels comfortable and works for you. For length, take hold of the end of a ruler or measuring tape to determine what is

Whatever feels best for you is what I will strive to creat when making your wand. I can also stain your wand in which
ever color you wish but I do not recommend actually sealing/varnishing the wand as this may cut down on the energy
flow through the wand and between you and the wand. Of course if you don’t request a specific color stain I will not
stain the wand at all.

If you are interested in having a symbol/ruin/etc. engraved onto your wand, or a stain applied, please see the wand
related photos below.

Local {Police Cruiser} News VI

(Note: Due to the sensitive nature of cases concerning sexual assault, children’s welfare and mental health issues, not all calls are considered appropriate for publication)

  • January 18 at 4:41 p.m. Bridgetown. A caller reported that a galvanized roof was removed and taken from a barn.
  • January 19 at 12:21a.m. A suspicious person was reported seen in Meadowvale. A patrol was made and determined that the individual was locked out of the residence and was seeking assistance.
  • January 19 at 2:35 p.m. Middleton. A laptop computer was reported stolen from a business.
  • January 20 at 3:04 a.m. A report of an unwanted guest resulted in the arrest of a male for assault and breaching conditions of a court order. The adult male was remanded into custody and is scheduled to appear in court for bail hearing January 24.
  • January 21 at 4:08 a.m. Centrelea. Police received a report of a suspicious vehicle on the road. Police attended and found the driver trying to fix a flat tire.
  • January 21 at 12:34 p.m. Brickton. Police received a report of a stolen car, after a silver Hyundai Sonata was stolen out of a garage overnight.
  • January 22 at 11:56 p.m. Middleton. Police received a report of an impaired driver and a patrol was made to intercept the individual. The driver subsequently failed the roadside screening device. A breath test was conducted with results found to be under the legal limit. The driver was issued a seven-day suspension notice.


*Mom: Don’t think of it as cleaning your room, think of it as a treasure hunt and the prize is finding the carpet!

*No matter how surprised you are at the sudden effectiveness of your morning fiber bar and coffee, take the extra two seconds to ensure the bathroom isn’t out of toilet paper. #LFMF

*(Meeting my girlfriend)
Dad: Jesus! You look like a witch.
Girlfriend: I am a Wiccan, not a witch.
Dad: Oh, so you’re just crazy and think you have magical powers. I was worried there for a minute.

*If you have just finished repairing one of your paintball guns do not test fire into the toilet just because you don’t feel like going outside. You will have water and paint on the ceiling, floor, and walls. #LFMF

*We were coming home from my cat’s vet appointment, and there were 5 people in our building’s elevator. A guy saw our kitty, and said to us “Coming from the vet’s? Fun stuff, eh?” to which my kitty meowed a loud “NOOOOO!” Everyone laughed, and IMMD!

*1) Never slap your friend’s ass in a public restroom while he’s using the urinal.
2) If you still choose to slap your friend’s ass while he’s using the urinal, MAKE SURE IT’S YOUR FRIEND.
3) If it is not your friend, just run out of the bathroom as fast as you can and never look back. #LFMF

*My friend is a singer and just 20 minutes ago she was on stage and her boyfriend interrupted her and said,”Yo Lisa, I am really happy for and imma let you finish, but you are one of the best girlfriends of all time! OF ALL TIME” and he bent down and asked her to marry him! She said it’s better than a VMA!!!! IMM(and lisa and jeremy’s)D!!

*If you dreamt that you turned off your alarm clock, you probably weren’t dreaming. #LFMF

*My Mom: I want to get a tattoo.
Friend: I have a tattoo of a rose on my hip because my maiden name is Rose.
My Mom: My maiden name is Johnson. What should I get?

*There are many acceptable ways to greet a friend on an airplane. “Hi, Jack!” is not one of them. #LFMF

*I have an incurable medical condition and I had to leave year 9 this year and start online schooling because I was getting to sick to go. This morning my old principal called to tell me they want to name a school award for bravery after me. IMMD!

*Before asking the veterinarian if dogs can get human STDs, make sure to explain that the dog ate a condom off a New York City sidewalk. #LFMF


*I was cycling back home a week or two ago, and I was in a hurry to get back. There is a cycle road that goes over a normal part of the road, where cars have to stop for bikes. I tried to cross is in my haste, but this big car rudely cut me off. I wasn’t happy to stop, but when I turned to look after the car I notice a goose ran to the road, and sat down in the car’s way. The car had to stop for the goose, and soon all the other geese joined and taunted the driver, IMMD.

*If you are ever in a situation where there is a foreign object in your rectum, do not say “I was walking along and I fell onto it.” No one at the ER will believe you as that is what “happens” in 90% of cases, be more inventive- perhaps that shampoo bottle fell from a great height while you were doing naked yoga… #LFM(patients)F

*This weekend I had fallen asleep on the couch and had an emotionally disturbing dream. I woke up and my dachshund was standing next to me looking very concerned. I reached to pet him and he stepped right up and sat down on my chest and proceeded to “pet” me with his paw before laying down with his head over my neck in his form of a hug. I forgot about the dream and his affection in looking after me MMD!

*If you are going to take a circa 1980s truck for a joyride in a field… take in mind how much mud is in said field. If you don’t you will get stuck and you will have a lot of explaining to do. #LFMF

*Every now and then when my first alarm goes off my cat will get up from his end of the bed, stretch, and walk across the bed to me. He’ll then proceed to tuck himself into the niche of my arm and tuck his head under my chin, and a paw on my chest like “No, don’t get up yet” It always MMD

*Recognizing someone from high school in a porno is awkward. Just make sure not to have that person on your friends list before posting a link to it on Facebook… #LFMF

*Leaving Wal-Mart today I saw a grown man, dressed head to toe in his army uniform, ride his shopping cart down the parking lot to his car and IMMD.

*When trying to anonymously pass gas in a busy store, don’t think you can walk away from it. It will follow you no matter how fast you try to walk away. #LFMF

*Today I found an I love you note from my boyfriend in the sugar. He’s been working in Fort McMurray for three months and comes home this weekend. IMMD

*If your girlfriend’s dad is a minister, and you’re discussing the second coming of Christ at his house, don’t postulate that perhaps Jesus tried to come back already but the new wave “Virgin Mary” had him aborted and we’re all doomed. #LFMF

*I was having a difficult time trying to decide what I wanted to eat. I’m a little over 4 months pregnant and the baby started kicking every time I said cheeseburger. So I ate a cheeseburger. IMMD and hers I’m sure!

*When you think you have a flu it might not be a flu, but instead type 1 diabetes, and pounding gallons of juice will not sit well with you the next day. #LFMF {Same thing happened to my father, so keep this in mind.}

My “Fail”Book Find

Special LFMF Post

(Jan. 5) If you happen to get curious and look up pressure points online, don’t sit there and poke yourself to see if it hurts. It does, for a long time. #LFMF

(Jan. 12) Always assume that a LFMF is accurate; they weren’t lying when they said that poking pressure points hurts! #LFMF

(Jan. 18) If you read about a guy applying presure to his presure points on this website and laugh about it, then read about a second guy who read the first guy and wondered what it would be like, don’t be the third. #LFMF

A Moment of Silence For ALL the victums

The above is a photo of a very loyal goggie, “Leao,” sitting patiently for the second consecutive day next to the grave of her owner, Cristina Maria Cesario Santana, who was killed in the recent landslides in Brazil. Leao’s faithfulness is a poignant reminder of the bonds that are formed between pets and their owners, and it’s a reminder of how devastating death can be for everyone involved.

Pizza & Cake, the dinner of champions

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