Archive for June, 2010

IMMD & LFMF V

*While reviewing for a test in Astronomy, the teacher displayed how fast Jupiter rotates by spinning his arms around and going, "WOOOOOO~!" IMMD

*While cutting up firewood…
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing eye protection?
Dad: Eye protection is for pussies and one-eyed men!

*If you happen to look down and see a large spider crawling across the crotch of your pants, try to resist the urge to smash it to death before flicking into the floorboard. Your balls will thank you. Also, should you be unable to overcome this reflex, know that, not only will your wife nearly crash the car as she laughs hysterically at your misfortune, but she will also tell everyone you both know, and many people you don’t. #LFMF

*On my way home from work I saw a man arguing with a police officer. The man had been pulled over on the interstate riding his tricycle. IMMD

*Dad: "Lo can you please go on the computer and googalize something for me?"

*If your 3-yr-old is carrying the cat towards the kitchen muttering "kitty needs a bath," it’s really best to see what she’s planning. Especially if you have a dishwasher. #LFMF

*A church called in to our Tech Support line for internet problems. The last three digits of their ticket number were 666. IMMD

*Dad: If you drink, don’t drive.
Mom: And if you end up parked on top of two cars, we’re not bailing you out of jail.
Me: Two cars?
Dad: Don’t ask, your mom cried in jail for hours about that.

*Never accept the offer to hold your friend’s newborn right after he’s been fed, especially when you are wearing a new outfit. And did you know babies can explode from both ends at the same time? #LFMF

*At 250 pounds, I am not much of a runner–but I am trying. Today the treadmill gave me an "Overspeed Warning." IMMD

*If you don’t do as you’re told, I’m going to tie something shiny around your neck and put you on the porch for the crows to carry away.

*Always verify the presence of a chair before attempting to plunk yourself down in frustration, or you will become more frustrated. And everyone else will get a good laugh at your expense. #LFMF

*Today, as I drove to work, the pick-up truck had a bumper sticker that said "Yes, this is my truck, and no, I won’t help you move." In the bed of the truck was a bunch of furniture. IMMD.

*“You know, this would be a great place to hide a body. If I ever snapped one day and killed one of you, I’d hide the body here.”

*Always, always, check identity before grabbing your "girlfriend’s" ass from behind. You might get a hand full of a body builder’s 34 year old wife. If you do, immediately yelling "OMG, I thought you were my 20 year old girlfriend!" can save your life. #LFMF

*The other day I dropped the cap for my Coke bottle. It went rolling away and right when i started to get up to run after it, it just turned around and rolled right back to me. IMMD

*“The nurses all say she’s beautiful, but I haven’t been down to the nursery yet to see the other babies, so I don’t know.” -My mothers’ first entry in my baby book the day I was born.

*Don’t ever tell a 2 year old who likes bugs, brushing their teeth will remove the buggies from their mouth. They will refuse to open their mouth while saying they need to keep their buggies. #LFMF

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Pagan Humor X

Modern New Age Affirmations
 
   1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
   2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
   3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.
   4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
   5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
   6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
   7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgement.
   8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
   9. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.
  10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
  11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, whine (got any cheese?) and complain.
  12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
  13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
  14. The first step is to say nice things about myself.
      The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
  15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
  16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and, disgusting parts.
  17. I am at one with my duality. I let it fight with my multiple selves.
  18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
  19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
  20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
  21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
  22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
  23. False hope is better than no hope at all.
  24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
  25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Hollywood Cafe.  Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
  26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I’ll find someone.
  27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
  28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
  29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
  30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
  31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting.
  32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
  33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he’s a mile away and barefoot.

Heart Renching Post Secret

LFMF & IMMD IV

I work at a drive up window at a financial institution. A little boy in
the backseat of a van asked his mom, "How is she getting the drawer to
come out all by itself?" The mom replied, "She’s a witch." IMMD

Dad:
I used to be in the lollipop guild…but I got kicked out
Sister: Why?
Dad: For gum-chewing.

My 5-year-old wanted to borrow a gajillion
dollars from me. I thought
it was a good teaching moment, so we negotiated an interest rate and
repayment schedule. I thought he was taking it all very seriously,
until I gave him the pretend paperwork to sign and he gave me a fake
name. IMMD!

I was doing a sock puppet show on chatroulette. Some
guy took off his
sock and joined. IMMD.

I saw a girl and her boyfriend picking out
movies at Blockbuster. She
grabbed Twilight and squealed "What about this one?! This is what I
want!" and headed to the front of the store. He looked at me and
grumbled "If I wanted to watch a movie with homoerotic undertones, I’d
be renting Top Gun." IMMD

My Irish colleague decided that it
wasn’t fair that the smokers in the
office are allowed to go out every hour for a cigarette. He reasoned
that his vice was drinking, and so went out to the nearest pub every
hour for a pint. By the end of the day he was absolutely HAMMERED. IMMD

Today
in statistics class, the teacher said we were going to study
degrees of freedom. From the back of the room I hear "so is that like
boxers vs. briefs?" IMMD

I’m a kidney specialist and
today I was giving a girl an ultrasound to
check for any kidney problems. When I pointed to the screen and said
"ok, here’s your kidney" she smiled, put her hand to her stomach and
said "I’m going to name it Carlos." IMMD

My Umbrella Cockatoo
figured out she could chase my cats through the cat
door to the basement. Today I watched her chase all 6 cats through and
then sit in the door flap laughing and IMMD.

We had a lockdown
drill at school, so we turned off the lights and piled
in the back of the classroom. My best friend sneezed five times in
rapid succession, then proceeded to apologize for killing us. IMMD

If an elderly dog dies, tell your small children that he died. Don’t
tell them, as my Mum told my brother and I, "He was very sick and Jesus
took him to Heaven to look after him"; those children might have a bit
of a dig in the garden, then tell you that Jesus left most of him
behind… #LFMF

My husband was just invited to join an adult league
soccer team…it’s
name is "Man-chest-hair United." IMMD

I bought a soda from a
vending machine, and when the can came out it
contained a Dr. Pepper t-shirt and $1.00 in quarters to buy another
drink. IMMD.

IMMD & LFMF III

  • This morning we got a letter from my little brother who got split up
    from our family during the Second World War. It really made my day.
  • After months of dating, I decided it was time to introduce my son to my
    Army officer boyfriend. When the time arrived for introductions, I
    reminded my son to introduce himself "properly." he proceeded to perform
    a full curtsy and offer his hand to a very stunned and amused veteran
    soldier, then ran off, cackling madly. IMMD!
  • I work for a sales & marketing firm. We just got a new line of
    "green" cleaning products. Upon examining a bottle, I saw in fine print,
    "Please recycle me. I want to come back as a sailboat." IMMD. Open-mouthed
  • My friend’s daughter came home from school very upset, and said, "Emma
    says you’re the tooth fairy! Is that true?" My friend was caught off
    guard and said, "Well, yes," and her daughter cried, "Mo-om! How could
    you go out every night like that and leave us here alone?"
  • As I was sitting in the living room my sister walks in, scratches her
    head and says "I cannot remember what I just did." Then the fire alarm
    went off. IMMD.
  • One of the visitors in the locked psych unit was wearing a snuggie and
    wasn’t allowed to leave until they verified he wasn’t a patient. IMMD
  • When cutting your own bangs ONLY TO YOUR EYEBROWS, make sure your
    eyebrows weren’t raised in concentration. Your bangs will be very short
    when you stand back and lower your eyebrows. #LFMF
  • Aloe lotion Kleenex? Good for cleaning noses, less so for glasses. #LFMF
  • According to my wife, cleaning a used set of aluminum car rims in the
    diswasher is NOT ok…even if I did use the pot scrubber mode. #LFMF
  • Whenever you have a red substance in your stool, remember that you had
    four helpings of spaghetti and a cherry slush drink for dinner last
    night before you rush to the ER with "internal bleeding". It will save
    you from the extreme humiliation you will receive. #LFMF

Mood Phases June