Archive for June, 2011


  • Me and my dad were driving (if you could call it that…) in heavy traffic, and some people would get in the other lane and zip to the end of the lane and jump back in, skipping everyone. Right as my dad started to complain, a big semi got in the lane to block everyone who tried to skip. IMMD.
  • If you’re a guy, don’t try to save time by peeing while brushing your teeth. The back and forth really throws off your aim. #LFMF
  • A few days ago I realized I had lost my ring while walking through the falling snow. It’s not a wedding ring or anything but it means a lot to me, and I was really upset to have lost it. The next night as I was walking home, I glance down and see, in a clear patch of grass poking through the snow, the moon shining brilliantly off my ring. Finding that dumb little piece of metal against all odds, and knowing someone was looking out for me, MMWeek.
  • If you’ve never drank coffee before, don’t let your first cup be espresso. And adding 5 sugar packets to the small cup won’t make a difference. #LFMF
  • I send letters to soldiers overseas but usually don’t get responses (they have more important things to do). One day I got an email from one of them. In my letter to him I’d babbled about not being able to find a good swimsuit. Apparently his group ended up discussing what kind of suit I should get. Knowing that a bunch of soldiers somewhere in the Middle East discussed something as ridiculous as my bathing suit MMD.
  • If you last name is Lecter, don’t call your baby daughter Annabel. Just don’t. #LFMcousin’sF
  • Today, I saw two little old ladies with canes walking across an icy parking lot. They linked arms and said “All for one and one for all!” before heading out over the ice. IMMD!
  • That thing about cat hair and blistex? If you work at a pet store, deal with chapped lips. #LFMF
  • A few weeks ago, my uncle was in a taxi on his way to work in London, during rush hour, when a tumour that had been growing on his liver, but that he had no idea existed burst and he passed out. The taxi driver used all the tricks of his trade to get my uncle to hospital as quickly as possible and, though he was in the ICU for a few weeks, he has made a full recovery. The Taxi Samaritan saved his life and IMMYear
  • When you are a 3rd grade teacher and ask the definition of the word “moon” to the class, you will get thirty 8 year old butts in your face. #LFMF
  • Today, after a long, hard struggle, my aunt is officially in remission from breast cancer. It absolutely MMD.
  • A few months ago, my grandma had a really bad stroke. The doctors said she would probably never speak again. One night I was sitting by her bed in the hospital and I started singing Edelweiss (from The Sound of Music) to her. Though she had been dozing off, she looked up, smiled at me, and started singing along. IMMD and my year.
  • When listening to your iPod through earbuds, do not attempt to fold a wool blanket. That little cord is a remarkably good conductor of static electricity, and the normally mild shocks are a bit more noticeable when they occur inside your head. #LFMF
  • My mom is diabetic and hasn’t been able to find her favorite flavor of sugar-free ice cream in years. I always look for it at the store, even though I’m four hours away. Today I found some and noticed the company’s website on the carton. Going to it I was able to locate the closest store to my mom that carried it – only 5 miles away! She sent me an excited text saying she’d found it and it was delicious. I Made her Day and her happiness ((and delicious ice cream) MMD.
  • If you set your phone to have the “cougar growl” noise, be sure to put it on silent if you go hiking. You may scare a few fellow hikers and yourself. #LFMF
  • I was on the way to my usual customer’s adress to deliver a pizza. When he opened the door, he threw confetti and gave me a $500 tip saying, “Scott! this is your 100th time delivering to me! Congratulations” IMMD
  • Never put a nail file in the same pocket as your touch screen cell phone. #LFMF


Post Secret XVIII

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Those aren’t your love lines.
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Local {Police Cruiser} News XII

— May 1 at 10:20 p.m. A property owner in Granville Ferry reported a complaint of property damage after someone hit the house with a paintball. Later at 11:46 p.m. a second report of similar property damage was reported by a homeowner in Lequille.

June 6 at 8:46 p.m. Bridgetown. Police received a report of an electric scooter driving on the road. Scooters under 40 cc can be driven on the road but must follow rules of the road for bicycles.

June 11 at 2:25 a.m. Lequille. A break and enter at the Lequille Country Store was reported. Three suspects entered the store and stole 14 handguns. The investigation continues.

June 12 at 7:28 p.m. Middleton. Police received a report of a fight in Middleton. An injured male was located and taken to hospital.

June 17, 10:25 p.m., Parker’s Cove. Police, EHS, and Annapolis Royal Fire Department attended the scene of a two-vehicle collision. Two occupants of one vehicle were transported to hospital with non-life-threatening injuries. The driver of the other vehicle was arrested for impaired driving. The male driver failed the breath test. He was later released pending a court appearance.

— June 18, 8:45 p.m., Lequille. Police received a report of a ‘gas and go’ involving a black sports-type vehicle driven by a male.

— June 18, 9:57 p.m., Greywood. Police received a report of a motor vehicle collision involving a deer.

Pagan Humor XXXVI

Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary Part 6

Author Prefers to remain anonymous

Day 845— The humans have decided today is the day I get to visit Neuter Town. I can’t wait to get there, I hope there’s tuna.

Day 845.5— !!!!

Day 846—After my initial shock wore off and I was able to regroup my thoughts, I realized that perhaps loosing that little above average sized part of myself isn’t so bad. One less thing to clean, right? I may finally have time to sleep a full 20 hours each day. Or perhaps torture the dog a few moments more each hour.

Post Secret XVII

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Just Because I

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DARE to be different!!!

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  • I had a huuuge crush on a guy in high school but was too shy to tell him how i felt. Now 6 years later he randomly added me on Facebook and we started talking, which turned into flirting. Last night i finally got the guts to tell him how i felt in school, he replied that he had felt the same way but was afraid to tell me. It totally MMD
  • If your car’s tires can’t handle the ice without slipping and sliding, your sneakers probably can’t either. #LFMF
  • Last Friday, after 5 years of trying, my wife had a positive pregnancy test. I decided then that I need to quit smoking. Today I got a “quit smoking” collectible from this site. Your site MMD.
  • When just waking up from having a nice long sleep, don’t roll over and hug your pillow as tight as you can. It won’t be your pillow. It will be your cat and she will not be pleased by the sudden affection. #LFMF
  • After having a particularly bad morning, I was walking to class through a parking lot at school. I thought to myself “why does this have to be so hard?”. Right then I glanced over at the car I was passing, and a sticker on the back bumper said “That’s what she said”. I couldn’t stop laughing, and IMMD.
  • If you’re home alone for the afternoon and decide to “relieve some tension” don’t do it when you’ve been up for 35 hours. You will fall asleep, and be insanely embarrassed when your mom comes home from work and asks you what was vibrating under your hips. She will also not believe that it was your cell phone. #LFMF
  • Tonight I was in my bathroom getting ready for bed when I noticed a fly buzzing around the room. Grabbing a towel, I attempted to remove the nuisance. When multiple attempts failed, I took one last lazy backhanded swat at it. I hit the fly, causing it to bounce off the wall behind me and landing in the trash can. Dead. I have never been so proud! MMD
  • No, it wasn’t an earthquake or Armageddon. It was just all the snow falling off the metal roof on the house. You’ve had this happen for the past 4 years, so why are you scared %$^&less now? #LFMF
  • Today, one of my co-workers quit without notice, so I had to stay a couple extra hours, by myself. I was feeling miffed and tired, but an hour after I would’ve gotten off, two Green Bay fans, wearing cheese hats, jerseys, and nothing else, came streaking through the store. The complete absurdity of it just totally MMD, and made the extra hours worth it.
  • Never ask your friend who has just lost one of his testicles to cancer, “Aren’t you freezing your bollocks off?” He may laugh but you will feel like an ass #LFMF


Post Secret XVI

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IMMD: News of the Day

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