Archive for December, 2011

Signs of The Times 2011

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Spring Is On The Way

Pagan Humor L

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Christmas Wisdoms

  • Having received that new out-of-this-world-awesome coffeemaker, try to curb your enthusiasm. A caffeine high might get you 72hours of insomnia coupled with severe diarrhea and panic attacks. When you finally fall asleep, Your overloaded brain might react with the worst nightmares of your life. #LFMF
  • No matter how long you have waited for the PS3 classic white to be available: Do not open it if you have a Ph.D. thesis to write and your deadline is only two months away. Also, do not compound your fail by buying Rage, Resistance 3 and Resident Evil 5 at the same time. #LFMF
  • When you are standing in the living room, and you feel an itchy sensation in your leg, move. It’s the the floor heater burning your leg and scratching it wont help. #LFMF
  • Never EVER leave your cat near Christmas lights. You will come back to see her tangled and trying to drag the tree behind #LFMF
  • If the words “extra gory version” didn’t tip you off, I am telling you now. Don’t let your three year old brother listen to Weird Al’s the night Santa went crazy. He will be traumatized. You will have to constantly reassure him that the breakfast sausage is not Rudolph. #LFMF
  • Situation: your nephews put a stuffed Santa under your car and told their 3 year old brothers you killed Santa. Unfortunately, you laughed when you saw this and now their mother thinks it was all your doing. Result: you are banned from Christmas this year. #LFMF
  • There is no such thing as “just a little bit of Skyrim.” #LFMF
  • Never have a “nyquil drinking contest” with your roommate. You will both fall asleep, and when you wake up the next morning, you will both feel like death, be unable to stand up for 12 hours without falling from dizziness and you both PROBABLY should have gone to the ER if you werent so ashamed of your stupidity. #LFMF
  • When making a Christmas fruitcake from scratch don’t forget just how much alcohol went into the mix before letting your young child lick the bowl. Nothing says “Christmas cheer” like a drunk four-year-old. #LFMF
  • Make a note to find out your classmates’ religions BEFORE making them Christmas cards and buying gifts. Turns out they’re not all Christian. Not only that, but of those a few may even violently destroy said Christmas cards upon receiving them. #LFMF
  • When you wash a new shirt that is decorated with glitter, consider washing it separately. Your entire load of laundry will sparkle and shine. #LFMF
  • When your man asks if he can do anything to relieve your stress and anxiety, he means sex. His reaction to being asked to do anything that would actually help will only cause additional anxiety. #LFMF

Local {Police Cruiser} News XVI

— December 13 at 10:52 a.m. Nictaux. A motorist was seen passing a school bus that was stopped with lights flashing. The matter is under investigation.

— December 13 at 4:56 p.m. Lawrencetown. An ATV was reported to be driving down the road in Lawrencetown. A patrol was made and the driver was identified and located. The appropriate action was taken.

— December 4 at 8:54 a.m. Paradise. A motorist was reported to have passed a stopped school bus with lights flashing. The matter is under investigation.

— December 14 at 1:11 p.m. Paradise. A break and enter into a residence was reported. Two firearms were stolen. The matter is under investigation.

— December 14 at 4:24 p.m. Lequille. A break and enter into a residence was reported. The interior was damaged. The matter is under investigation.

— December 14 at 4:38 p.m. Middleton. Police assisted the Animal Control officer in seizing a stray dog.

— December 14 at 7:09 p.m. Middleton. A three-wheeler was reported to be driving down the road, hauling a trailer behind. A patrol was made, but failed to locate the vehicle.

— December 14 at 10:25 p.m. Lequille. A suspicious person was reported to be loitering around parked vehicles. Police attended and issued a notice to stay off the property.

— December 15 at 00:21 a.m. Springfield. Police and firefighters attended a structure fire at a vacant trailer.

— December 15 11:03 a.m. South Williamston. A homeowner reported the theft of a chainsaw from the yard.

Crimes, or information on crimes, can be reported to the Annapolis RCMP at 825-2000 in Middleton, or 665-4481 in Bridgetown. Information on crimes can also be reported to Crime Stoppers at 1-800-222-8477.

Countdown to Christmas – Countdown Timer

Happy Holidays

Regardless of what Holy Day you celebrate at this time of year, I want to take this opportunity to wish you and your family the very best of the holiday season. May peace and love follow you this time of year and forever on.

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1st Day of Winter

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At Home Depot picking up supplies with my boyfriend & we we’re lifting drywall into the bed of the truck, a family of 3 walk by & the dad says, “she’s small, but she’s a bad ass!” #IMMD

Lose weight? Lose boobs. #LFMF

I work in a Target and for the past week and a half two teenagers have been coming in, putting one of them in a cart, and walking around yelling at all the workers that they ‘have to do it because [we] don’t offer enough electric wheelchairs’. Yesterday, after being annoyed by these kids for almost three hours straight, as I walked into my next aisle to zone and they followed, a man on crutches, missing his leg, walked around the opposite corner. He was dressed in full military uniform. He took one look at the kids and called the kid in the basket a “Pansy.” When they were gone, he leaned over and told me he usually has a false leg, but he’d heard them the day before and felt bad that we had to deal with that, so he’d come back. One Soldier’s Sense of Humor, IMMD.

After your wife has come home from abdominal surgery, don’t be a dear and swat the mosquito on her belly. #LFMF

Today I had a bad day at work. I walked in the door and heard my boyfriend’s and my “song” playing. I walked in the kitchen, saw him standing there in a shirt and tie (he NEVER likes dressing up). He started talking (I totally blanked), got down on one knee… and asked me to marry him!!! I said yes! I found my soul mate and my best friend and IMMLIFE!

Remember to turn the television off before you go to sleep at night.. A Samsung Infuse 4g commercial may just come on in the middle of the night and scare you into heart arrhythmia. #LFMF (<a href=”; rel=”nofollow” target=”_blank”>Link</a> to the commercial)

Never attack Americans… they don’t like that too much. #LFOsama’sF

When vacuming, make sure to pick up all the socks off the floor first. Or else you will vacumn one up and the vacumn will start smoking. You will then freak out and almsot have to buy a new vacumn. #LFMF

Today, I came home to find my in laws watching Chamber of Secrets, from a box set of all the Harry Potter movies I own. They loved it. They’re devout Southern Baptist and use to think it was the devils work, and tonight we spent 4 hours as a family talking about the stories. IMMD

When you decide to wash the walls with a wet sponge, do yourself a favor and don’t try to wash the power outlets. WET SPONGE + ELECTRICITY = ZAaaAAPPP!!!!!!!

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