Archive for October, 2011

Halloween Humor

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Post Secret LVII

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Reply To Bury a Body:

At least you can say yes. It must be nice to have friends.

Reply to Racist:

Why should we be any less proud of who we are then they are of themselves?

Reply to Old Life:

Me too! (I`ve never done pot but I sure do miss who I use to be). Growing up sucks.)

Reply to anorexia:

I wish I had thought of that before it was to late.

Reply to Disaster:

I`m the same way. Every time something happens in a third world country I`m grateful it wasn`t someone I know but sorta happy the world is a little less populated then it was yesterday. I pray that those who died are in peace and that those left behind are okay and that God is with them… But still over population needs to be addressed.
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Pagan Humor XLVI

Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary Part 8
Author Prefers to remain anonymous

Day 977—It has been a week since my female captor discovered my talent for turning on her desk lamp and she has spent the time since attempting to teach me more “tricks”. I decided to employ my favourite trick and proceeded to hide her new shoes. She has spent the last three hours hunting for them. Lol. They’re in the dogs house.

Day 980—She still hasn’t found her shoes and is to distracted by the loss of her check-book, reading glasses and “birth control” pills (I don’t know what those are but boy is she worried about them!) to bother me with any more tricks. This is the best week of my life!

Day 983—At first my little trick of hiding her things was fantastic but now my female capture has been so frazzled by the loss of her things that she forgot to feed me this morning. I have decided to return her things.

Day 984—Wow, I thought she was frazzled when her stuff went missing but I hadn’t seen anything until her stuff returned to where I took it from. She was so frazzled she went to see her friend Psychiatrist. What a name for a human!

Post Secret LVI

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Telling your friends you had BWW for lunch is normal. Telling them you had BBW will raise more questions than answers. #LFMF

I was baby-sitting my neighbor’s puppy today and the poor pup just couldn’t get the hang of our doggie door. Despite coaxing and food bribes, she was still sitting outside in frozen disbelief. I jokingly said to my dog, “Daisy, go show her how to do it.”. Daisy looked at me, looked at the sad puppy outside, got up, hopped through the doggie door, licked the puppy’s face and hopped back through the door with the puppy right behind her. I couldn’t believe it! IMMD!

When your husband has a 2 hr commute home from work, don’t greet him at the door in a sexy negligee. He will have to pee quite badly, and now you’ve only made it very difficult. #LFMF

I have diabetes and 2 years ago I inherited my mom’s cat, Coco, when she died. A few weeks ago, Coco woke me up in the middle of the night yowling VERY pathetically. When I awoke, he started pushing my blood glucose meter around on my bedside table. I figured he wanted me to test, so I did. My level was down to 54. Normal, according to my doctor, is between 70 and 120. My doctor told me that had Coco not awakened me, I may never have awakened at all! Having my cat save my life MMD

Remember when doing last night’s dishes in the early morning that just because you happen to be standing nude with the sound of running water around you does not mean you are in the shower; you should not pee right now. #LFMF

Today while driving home, after a rather crummy day, I saw two people standing on the median of a busy road holding a sign. After a rather harsh layoff period in this state, there have been a lot of homeless people on this median. Being barely able to make my own rent, I prepared myself to feel worse. Instead, one of the girls met my eyes, raised the sign, and held up the other girl’s hand. What did it say? “Honk for love”. IMMD, and week!

My friend’s name is Mary-Jane Watson. Her parents didn’t KNOW. #LFTheirF

Tonight, at the cafe where I work, a guy came up and started his order with “Your mission, should you chose to accept…” He then proceeded to order smoothie and swore me to secrecy (he’s not supposed to have them). Getting a change from the usual phrases MMD!!!

Correct: My dad drinks Heineken beer, and when I drink it I’m reminded of him. Incorrect: Heineken tastes like my dad. #LFMF

Post Secret LV

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Pagan Humor XLV

Mom: What are they advertising here? A movie or a birth control?

Me: It’s for the new Twilight movie…


(Mom in the kitchen talking to our 14 yr old cat)

Mom: Quit telling me you’re hungry. Why didn’t you eat that gopher you caught? (Cat meows and rolls over.)

Mom: I said “gopher”, you old coot! Not “roll over”, is it time to get you a hearing aid?


Me after realizing we’re having a baby girl: Hey hon you know what I realized? I now have a reason to buy My Little Pony on DVD without the clerk thinking I’m a weirdo! Hell yes!


Mom: That house has a huge cement wall!               Me: Zombie proof.

Mom: He has holes in it…                                                       Me: Gun holes.

Mom: I think they’re called siege holes.

Me: That kind of sounds dirty…

Mom: Get your gun out of my siege hole!


(Doing a survey for gay people’s rights)

Me: Mom, why do you support gay marriage?

Mom: Because Dumbledore!


Dad: When I was in highschool, all the kids from the Catholic and public schools would get together and fight.

Me: And you were right in the middle of it, weren’t you, Dad?

Dad: No, I didn’t get involved in that kind of stuff. I always thought we should have been fighting the teachers. They were the real idiots.

Post Secret LIV

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I’m currently serving in Afghanistan and the one thing that keeps the thought of death away, is knowing I need to get home to my wife.

—–Email To I hate being a mother—–
1. You’re not alone.

2. Dear Postpartum poster; not everyone who hates being a parent is postpartum, some of us just really don’t like being a parent. Not everyone is ready for it when it happens to them.

—–Email to only the beautiful find love—–
1. Me too. I think it is because I watch too much The Bachelor.

2. Beautiful and thin women end up attracting the wrong people who waste their time and break their hearts. True love seems much further away.

—–Email to angry birds—–
I always pretend that my boss is a Disney Villan.

—–Reply to Atheist—

I haven’t come out of the Broom Closet to most of my family because I don’t want to lose out on the Holiday togetherness. What they don’t know, is I celebrate Yule and not Christmas.
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Whale or Mermaid?

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was “This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?”

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

“Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I’d rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn’t enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: “How amazing am I ?! ”

(The girl on the picture is French model Tara Lynn)


If your husband hs recently deployed, especially if it’s his first time and you have 2 young children, Cast Away is not the movie to watch. You will all cry when Wilson gets lost.

I came home from spending the night at my friends house to find (what I thought were sold out) concert tickets on my bed. They were from my older brother, who lives in another town. When I called him and asked why he did it, his reply was ‘because you’re my little sister, and know how much it means to you. Have fun, Love you’. Hearing my usually “manly” brother say these words MMD!!

If you’re masturbating while smelling you’re best friends sister’s panties, make sure you don’t get caught. Especially if she’s still wearing them. The rest of her funeral will be extremely awkward. #LFMF

A couple days ago, I got cut off and laid my motorcycle down, skidding out about 50 feet. Walking away from it with nothing more than some abrasions and having the bike repairable MMD, but my son seeing me later and calling me Ironman MML! (Made My Life!)

DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT wear a T-shirt of the province of Quebec in Ontario. People will call you a frog. #LFMF

Yesterday was my ten year high school reunion. I have since enlisted, gone to OCS, and am now a First Lieutenant. My high school bullies however, are still flipping burgers. IMMD(ecade)

DO NOT go and see the last Harry Potter movie while about to start your period. Your hormones will reduce you to a hysterical emotional wreck and however sad you think it will be, it’ll be a million times worse. #LFMF

Today my 1 year old niece blew her first ever kiss. To me. IMMD

When at Carl’s Jr with your nearly potty trained kid, make sure it’s YOUR blond, red-shirted little boy whose pants you are inspecting. Cuz if it’s not… #LFMF

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