Archive for September, 2012

Pagan Humor LXX

Safe Witch Kit

Want to be a Witch, yet don’t want dangerous items in your home?

We’ve assembled this comprehensive kit to meet the beginning Witch’s needs, without compromising safety.
logo © 2000 Faerie K.

Includes:

1 Rubber Athame. Painted black handle, silver blade. Very flexible. You can swing this about in Circle with no fears about hurting anyone!

Exclusive! The incredible Collapse-a-Wand! Hand-wrought of authentic wood-grained expanded foam, with a special adhesive patch for attaching the Power Stone of your choice (see below).

2 Battery-operated Candles (1 black, 1 white). No more concerns about flowing gowns catching fire.

1 package Glade Stick-ems. Fresh, floral scent, without the concerns of burning incense. No messy ash to clean up!

1 shaker Mrs. Dash. Get all the flavor and zip of salt, without the sodium!

1 Quality Fold-a-Cauldron. Easy-to-assemble, genuine simulated cast iron corrugated material. Complete instructions.

1 Fabric Rainbow Disk. No sharp corners to be concerned about. The perfect centerpiece for your own Altar. No worries of offending anyone, as could happen with those misunderstood pentagrams.

3 Assorted colors soft vinyl “Power Stones.” Focus the energy of crystals. Perfect for attaching to your Collapse-a-Wand!(Choking hazard. Not recommended for children under 3 years of age)

1 Booklet, “How to Be One with the White Light, Because There Is No Dark Side, Luke” subtitled: “The Absolutely, Completely Comprehensive Guide to Everything Possible that a Witch Needs to Know to cast Any Spell at All”

BONUS! Order now, and we’ll send you our exclusive Fill In The Blanks Book of Light! All the spells you’ll ever need, and YOU fill in the names and dates! Quality softcover binding.

All packaged attractively in a lovely carry-case, which unfolds to become your altar cloth.

Rush out and get yours today!

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Random Questions 1

You’re walking the streets at 5 in the morning, who are you with?
My sister. She’s the only person I know capable of staying up that late.

You’ve locked yourself outside and no one will be home for a few hours, you?
I would walk to Lequille store and call someone who has an extra key (or use my cell phone if I have it with me).

Have you ever injured someone?
Yes. Sports can be rough >=)

Last thing you drank?
Sipping on coffee as I type.

Have you ever had a bestfriend of the opposite sex?
Yes, lots of them.

Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
Most of the time no. If you have to ask if everything you do for the sack of your relationship is worth what you are getting from said relationship, then no. The amount of crap you go through to be with someone should not out weight the good times with that person.

What would you say if someone told you they were in love with your brother?
I don’t have a brother. But if someone said they were in love with my sister, I would tell them to go for it. Love should not be ignored.

Two days from now this time, where will you be?
Doing laundry? Washing dishes?….Doing some sort of house work.

Who is the last person you took a bus with?
Y.D. in Ottawa over 4.5 years ago.

Do you hate being alone?
Only sometimes. Most of the time it’s a nice break from all the BS some clients put me through.

Does anyone have something that belongs to you?
Yes. I think half my stuff is still in Clementsvale. But my bird cage, greenhouse and shoes are all I need right now. THAT DOESN’T MEAN WHO HAS THE REST OF MY STUFF, CAN THROW THE OTHER STUFF OUT!!!

Do you sleep with your door open or closed?
Depends on where the pets are.

Do you wish someone would turn up at your front door right now?
God, no. I don’t feel well and could use some alone time to recoup.

Is this the best year of your life?
Nope. To sick to do any Witchy Work, then to busy with weddings, then eBay wont let me list my stuff. Y.D. gone all the time. My cat ran away. Other then that, I guess it’s been good)

Who will you be sleeping with tonight?
Hopefully no one. I could use a good night sleep (Y.D.’s a bed hog).

Who would you go into a haunted house with?
Wouldn’t go at all.

Do you make eye contact when you talk to people?
Yes.

Has the opposite sex ever seen you without any make-up?
Yes. Make-up is a cancer causing, pore clogging, frivolity. I say enough is enough, it’s time we imbraced our NATURAL beauty.

What is your favorite cereal?
Honey Gram Bliss (but it tastes terrible so don’t bother buying it for yourself 😉

Can you play the guitar?
No.

Can your mother play the guitar?
No.

What is something that is coming up in life that you don’t want to happen?
Christmas. I’m just to tired to shop and there are only 103 shopping days left!!!

Do you think you got someone pregnant?
No. Pretty sure my husband’s on the pill.

Who do you miss?
Me. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like myself.

Who always comes to the rescue?
You can only count on yourself.

Who is your partner in crime?
I work alone, but if the cops ask it was all your idea.

Do you cry easily?
Yes, for good reasons.

Are you ticklish?
Yes. However I’m also very “punchy” when tickled, so back off.

Would you go out in public looking like you do now?
Yes.

Are you a morning or night person?
Night. I’d rather get up at 2 pm and go to bed at 6 am.

What’s the last thing you bought?
Pens, Markers and key covers. Before that jewelry for my business.

Are you easily scared by horror/thriller films?
Life’s scarier but yes, I’m easily scared.

If you had $100 would you spend or save it?
Save it for as long as possible.

What color shirt are you wearing?
Black & white fern patterned dress.

Do you believe in magic?
Not hocus pocus but wishes and prayers.

Have you ever wanted to be a witch?
Yes. I wish that some hocus pocus magic was real. I’d love to fly around on a broom (so much cheaper then a scooter).

Do you wear high heels?
Sometimes

Jeans or skirts?
Skirt

What’s so great about Jonas Brothers?
W.T.F is Jonas Brothers?

Are you good with kids?
I think so, my niece seems to love me and my goofy actions (all for her benefit of coarse).

Have you ever thrown your cell phone at the wall?
I have thrown one into a zip lock bag and thrown it into the front yard. None stop ringing + annoying ring tone + frustrated wife = his work phone in a snow bank.

Abusive relationship; leave him/her or keep it a secret?
Kick the crap out of him and bury him in the woods. That’s an option right?

Eleven Years Ago…

Have you heard about the trucker who has painted his cab and trailer with the names of all those who lost their lives on 9/11?

The trucker’s name is John Holmgren from Shafer, Minn. He has been ‘pulled over’ numerous times just so the troopers can get their picture taken with the truck.

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Show Some Respect

Pagan Humor LXIX

Star Trek Guide to Neo-Paganism

Gene Roddenberry went to his grave, telling stories that, although they supposedly happened light years away, were relevant to our every day lives. From the beginning, he claimed that the characters and races on Star Trek were parallels for people here on Earth. Little did anyone know that the characters were actually taking on traits of Neo-Pagan sects across the country! Was Gene Pagan? Who knows, but sit back and enjoy this little trip, where no Pagan has gone before…

Wiccans – The United Federation of Planets

The Federation means well. They let just about everybody into their little social club, so long as they agree to play nice. They don’t talk about rules much, but keep referring to one Prime Directive that all other laws are based on. That said, they frequently violate that rule when the need suits them. Often heard speaking in various UK accents, even though they’re not from the islands (Et tu, Jean-Luc?)

Asatruar – Klingons

Obsessed with honor and combat. Have no qualms with eating meat and eat it with obvious relish. Insist they did everything first (“But Hamlet is so much better in the original Klingon.”) And who wants Klingon opera, when you can have Wagner’s Die Neibelung?

Ceremonialists – Vulcans

Have you ever heard someone say, “Excuse, I was reading this and wanted to tell you: “anal retentive” has a hyphen in it.”? Everything is very orderly in their universe. No room for untidy things like emotions and the like.

Druids – Bajorans
(with special guests: the Tuatha de Dannan as The Prophets)

You cannot separate the Bajorans from their faith. Religion permeates the very air they breathe. Although this should be a unifying force on their devastated environment, they are constantly fighting with one another. Like many other races, they are subject to charismatic leaders.

New Agers – Betazoids

Profoundly psychic when you don’t want them to be; dense as a rock (crystal) when you actually need some help. Spend an awful lot of time talking about “vibes” and are perpetually concerned with how others feel. If they weren’t so damn cute, you’d just want to smack them. You only see the women of this race.

Numerologists/Kabbalahists – Binars

Numbers are everything, don’t you know. Can loudly pronounce a given number (93!) and have people laugh at it like it was a punch line. Draws all sorts of really interesting links between things based on the numerological significance. Socially uncouth. The only difference between the Binars and numerologists is that Binars have mates that understand them.

Setians/Satanists – The Skin of Evil
(the oil slick that killed Tasha Yar)

A long time ago, a race decided to sluff off all their evil, mean and nasty emotions. They physically excreted these emotions into a big pile of black ooze. The race bailed off the planet, leaving the ooze which, over time, became sentient… sort of, and delights in causing fear and pain in others.

Dianics – The Women of Angel 1

Imagine a planet where women are in charge! It is a wonderful, peaceful place. Everyone gets along all the time and no one ever goes hungry. Yeah, right. Behind the facade of perfect love and perfect trust and gyno-unity, there is an iron fist in that velvet glove. And, surprise, surprise, the gynarchy is subject to the same power struggles and in-fighting that the rest of us are.

KayOs MagicKians – The Children of Tama
(Damok & Jilad on the ocean)

I know I’m speaking English, and I know that they are speaking English. However, sometimes, you just can’t seem to understand what these souls are trying to tell you. Although they have something valid and wonderful to share with the Federation, what they have to say is mired in a language that excludes more than it includes. Fnord.

Llewellyn Publications – the Borg

Resistance is futile, you will be assimilated. Your history and beliefs will become part of the Borg Collective, where they will be watered down and spread out evenly between everyone in our race. Lower your shields and hand over your money; resistance is futile.

Being Green

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment. The woman apologized and explained, “they didn’t have this green thing back in my earlier days.”

The young clerk responded, “That’s their problem today. Ytheir generation did not care enough to save their environment for future generations.”

She was right — her generation didn’t have the green thing in their day.

Back then, they returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were truely recycled.

But they didn’t have the green thing back in their day.

Grocery stores bagged their groceries in brown paper bags, that they reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for their schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for their use by the school) was not defaced by their scribblings. Then they were able to personalize their books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad they didn’t do the green thing back then.

They walked up stairs, because they didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks.

But she was right. They didn’t have the green thing in their day.

Back then, they washed the baby’s diapers because they didn’t have the throwaway kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry their clothes back in their early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; they didn’t have the green thing back in their day.

Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, they didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. they used a push mower that ran on human power. they exercised by working so they didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she’s right; they didn’t have the green thing back then.

They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But they didn’t have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful they old folks were just because they didn’t have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.

They don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss them off.

Post Secret CVI

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We also don’t need to be a size 00 to be sexy. Big Girls are beautiful! Embrace the sexy that is you!

 

Post Secret CV

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Book Club Month #7

Entering month seven of Moygo’s Book of The Month and this month’s book is:  The Secret Garden – Grances hodgson Burnett

October’s book is going to be: The Picture of Dorian Gray – Oscar Wilde

September Moon Phase