Archive for December, 2010

IMMD & LFMF XXII

*While driving around town in my niece’s car, her 3 year old son was talking on a toy cell phone in the back seat. We stopped at a light and promptly heard him say, very seriously, “Hey I’m gonna have to call you back. My phone’s dying”. IMMD

*4000 volts is enough to shock you through rubber gloves. you will end up in burn treatment. #LFMF

*I work at a college where one of our commuter students lost her house in a fire. She has three children, including a 2 year old. My sister offered to donate my 4-year-old nephew’s clothes that no longer fit. After bagging up the clothes, and explaining that the clothes were going to be given to a little boy whose house burned down, my nephew went and got two of his hot wheels cars. He put them in the bag and said “He can have some of my cars too.” IMMD.

*Even if a child begs to watch a seemingly innocuous movie while their sick it’s important to think carefully on if the possible outcomes. My 38-year-old brother still doesn’t particularly care for Oompa Loompas even after all this time. #LFMF {Note from Moygo: My sister was 5 with the chicken pox and mom let her watch Stephen King’s It. 20 Years later she still has a thing about clowns.}

*I was sitting at my computer when I saw something small and white go by my door. The president of my company then followed it carrying a golf club. He saw me and said, rather sheepishly, “Just ignore that small white mouse that just ran past.” IMMD.

*Before putting on that oil and wax based chapstick you left in the car, check to see if it has melted. Otherwise you’ll be pouring liquid hot wax all over your lips and chin. #LFMF

*A teen aged acquaintance of mine posted a status update saying she was tired of anti-LGBT bullying at her school. I sent her a few helpful links and encouraged her to find a way to support those who were being hurt. The school district’s first Gay/ Straight Alliance meeting was held this week, thanks to her initiative. IMMD!

*If a friend asks you if you want a “teeny weenie”, the correct answer is never “I already have one, even if the object in question is an oscar mayer wiener whistle. #LFMF

*One day my mum and my younger brother were fooling around in the kitchen throwing a bit of water after eachother. Suddenly my mum got very serious and said they had to stop because the bowl my brother was holding was very expensive. My brother stopped and handed her the bowl while apologizing. My mother quickly emptied the bowl over his head and walked away laughing loudly. IMMD.

*When waiting for the bus on a street that is completely deserted except for one other lady at the bus stop with one of those white canes with a red stripe, don’t think you can take this opportunity to scratch your man parts. The “blind” lady may just be “vision impaired” and may not appreciate the fact you thought she couldn’t notice you scratching yourself down there. #LFMF

*Yesterday, the last day of school before winter break, the school band paraded around the school playing music. When my theater Teacher heard, he didn’t just walk out of the classroom to listen, he skipped along right beside the band. So did the rest of my class and I. And so did the rest of the school when they saw us. IMMD!

*I live a couple hundred miles away from my mum who is awesome, hilarious and my best friend. She found out that my housemate and I were holding a Christmas party for some girlfriends so she sent us a HUGE box of treats – food, decorations, candles, games, you name it – all individually wrapped and packaged. Then at the bottom she’d also included a two page poem she’d written all about the box and it’s contents. MM(and my housemates)Xmas!

*This morning on my way to work I got stuck on an icy patch, and a complete stranger helped push my car back onto the pavement. Then, a mile or so later at a stoplight, I realized that one of the cars ahead of me was in the same situation. As if on queue doors popped open on half a dozen cars as people jumped out to help push! The kindness of strangers on these cold, snowy roads MMD!

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Local {Police Cruiser} News III

(Note: Due to the sensitive nature of cases concerning sexual assault, children’s welfare and mental health issues, not all calls are considered appropriate for publication)

–December 13, 10:33 a.m., South Williamston. Police received a report of theft of firewood.

— December 13, 6:15 p.m., Deep Brook. A power outage resulted in teens running around with flashlights in the neighbourhood. A patrol was made but the individuals were not located.

— December 13, 8:39 p.m., Deep Brook. Stormy weather resulted in wires knocked down casuing a traffic hazard. Work crews arrived and made repairs.

— December 13, 8:53 p.m., Belleisle. The storm knocked a tree down across the highway. A motorist struck the tree and damaged the vehicle.

— December 13, 9:20 p.m., Nictaux. The storm knocked down power lines causing sparking wires. The fire department and Nova Scotia Power attended.

— December 13, 9:33 p.m., Upper Clemments. The storm knocked a tree down across the highway. Residents in the area removed the debris.

— December 13, 9:38 p.m., Middleton. The storm knocked down a tree causing it to swing across the highway. The hazard was removed.

— December 13, 9:54 p.m., Wilmot. The storm knocked down a tree across the road taking power lines with it. — December 13, 10:33 p.m., Upper Granvile. The storm knocked down a large tree across the road causing a hazard to motorists. The Department of Transportation responded quickly and cleaned up the mess.

— December 13, 10:31 p.m., Brickton. The storm knocked down a tree causing an accident involving a small truck. Lawrencetown firefighters and EHS attended. The vehicle was removed and there were no injuries.

— December 13, 10:02 p.m., Meadowvale. The storm knocked down a tree blocking the road. The Department of Transportation and NSP attended and the hazard was cleaned up.

— December 13, 11:09 p.m., Waldec. The offender monitoring centre called to advise of a possible breach. There was no violation. The problem was due to downed power and phone lines.

— December 13, 10:51 p.m., Bridgetown. Police received a report of a traffic hazard due to a downed tree blocking the road. The Department of Transportation arrived and had it removed.

— December 13, 11:29 p.m, South Farmington. The storm knocked down telephone wires across the highway.

— December 13, 10:53 p.m., Melvern Square. High winds knocked down two huge trees that took power lines with them. The Department of Transportation and Nova Scotia Power attended and the hazard was looked after.

— December 13, 10:30 p.m., Victoriavale. Severe weather knocked down power lines in the community.

— December 14, 7:02 a.m., Wilmot. A downed tree and power lines blocked the road.

— December 14, 11:19 p.m., Melvern Square. Police received a report of a power pole on fire. Kingston Volunteer Fire Department and Nova Scotia Power attended. The fire was the result of a transformer blowing.

— December 16, 6:17 p.m., Highway 1, Upper Ganville. Police, EHS, and Annapolis Royal Fire Department attended a singled-vehicle accident. The vehicle went off the road. The driver was taken to hospital with minor injuries. The vehicle was towed. Black ice was noted in the area at the time.

— December 17, 5:49 p.m., Round Hill. Police received a report of a snowblower stolen from a property.

— December 18, 8:54 a.m., South Williamston. Police received a report of a traffic hazard. A wayward horse was on the loose. The animal was located in a neighbour’s yard and successfully returned to its stall.

— December 18, 2:10 p.m., Bridgetown. A vehicle was broken into and a purse was stolen at the arena.

— December 18, 2:23 p.m., Bridgetown. A vehicle was broken into after a window was smashed. Two purses stolen. The crime also happed at the arena.

— December 18, 3:17 p.m., Lawrencetown. Police received a report of the theft of a purse, wallet, and iPhone from a vehicle at the arena. A window was smashed to gain entry.

— December 18, 9:14 p.m., Lawrencetown. Police received a report of a cow wondering through a local cemetery. It was last seen on the hill in front of the grave yard. It apparently escaped when an electric fence malfunctioned.

— December 19, 2:02 a.m., Lawrencetown. Police received a report of three or four youths setting off fire works and alarming neighbours. A patrol was made but the fireworks show had already ended.

— December 19, 12:50 p.m., Wilmot. Police received a report of a suspicious abandoned vehicle. Police contacted the owner and discovered the vehicle was parked away from the residence because of a surprise birthday party.

— December 19, 11:18 p.m., Bridgetown. A threats complaint resulted in one adult male being arrested. He appeared in court an was remanded into custody pending psychiatric evaluation.

Crimes, or information on crimes, can be reported to Annapolis RCMP at 665-4481 in Bridgetown or 825-2000 in Middleton. Information on crimes can alsobe reported to Crime Stoppers at 1-800-222-TIPS.

Pagan Humor XXIII

Holiday IMMD

  • My husband was fired 2 months ago and neither one of us has found a job. I was afraid we wouldn’t have a turkey for thanksgiving but I found someone giving one away on craigslist. I went and picked it up and after I got home I couldn’t help myself, I cried a little. Their kindness Made My Turkey Day!
  • I took my 9yr old son to see santa last night. I saw him whispering to santa and saw santa start to giggle. As my son and I were walking away I asked what he asked santa for he replied “a giant candy cane and a squirrel” of all the things a kid his age could ask for he asks for a squirrel. IMMD and I’m sure santa’s as well
  • My grandma and grandpa passed away three years ago, and today while going through old christmas cards to look for the new ones I had just bought, I found a card from them I hadnt opened from the year they passed away. It had $100 in it, and a long note about how proud they were of me for graduating highschool. It made me miss my grammy and pappy and IMMD.
  • A boring day at work was made light when a customer came in and serenaded the entire bank with our holiday jingle. When he finished, he said “I only know that because I drink heavily.” IMMD
  • German mail-order company “Otto” had a “model contest” going on on their facebook page. Suprisingly, the winner was “Brigitte”, a guy dressed up in cheesy women’s clothes and a blonde wig. The company took it with humour, they invited him to the promised photo shoot. Today they published the first image of “Brigitte” as Mrs. Santa bringing christmas gifts, including the blonde wig. IMMD!
  • I’ve been worried about Christmas coming up soon, and not being able to buy gifts for my family because of being unemployed. While I was moving things around in my room, I found the one hundred dollar bill that I put back in June for Christmas. I forgot all about it hiding it in save keeping. IMMD
  • I had taken out the christmas presents from the closet so I could figure out who I still needed to buy for, when my cat started digging through the pile. She found her christmas present, dragged it out and took off with it. Apparently I’m good at picking out presents and IMMD.
  • This will be my first Christmas away from home, and I have decided not to spend any money on a tree or decorations. My neighbor stopped by yesterday to tell me he cut down his own tree and brought it home, but his wife decided it wasn’t big enough and they ended up buying one instead. So, he gave me the tree and even offered to donate some ornaments for it! Totally MMChristmas!!
  • I work in a Supermarket and last night an elderly gentleman came through the register and didn’t quite have enough to pay for all of his shopping. He was deciding what to put back when the lady behind him said “Don’t worry about it, add it to my bill – Merry early Christmas”. IMMD and his.
  • Every year, my family hires a Santa to stop at our Christmas Eve party to give presents to the kids. My 6 year old niece was less than impressed though, when Santa asked what she wanted for Christmas, she said “I’ve told you twice already, don’t you check your email?” IMMD
  • In English class we finished reading ‘A Christmas Carol’ and were supposed to create a little joke about how mean Scrooge was. My friend said ‘Scrooge is so mean, for Christmas he got tiny Tim a 3 legged dog. IMMD
  • My mom sent me a whole box of kazoos in the mail, along with a book of “Zombie Christmas carols”! IMMD.
  • I got engaged about six months ago to my love of 6.5 years. We thought we’d have to postpone the wedding until much, much later, because all our money is tied up in buying a house. Yesterday, my grandmother called me and said she wanted to let me know that my Christmas present was going to be about 5 months late, and that I’d get it in May: she’s paying for the whole wedding. It made my whole year.
  • My mom is a teacher. My mom told her class that Santa hadn’t brought her anything for Chirstmas last year. A 5 year-old girl raised her hand and said “I know why, You said Mudda Fucker” she want on to explain, “My dad told my brother that if he said Mudda Fucker again Santa wasn’t bring him anything for Christmas.”
  • I took my three year old niece to see Santa Clause at the mall, she didn’t seem that impressed and as we walked off announced “that wasn’t the real Father Christmas, just a man dressed up as him” when I asked how she knew she said loudly “his beard was dodgy”. IMMD
  • My boss was lifting our Christmas tree up so I could slip the stand in underneath. He said “Guide me in…” I said “It doesn’t fit!” We laughed so hard we dropped the tree. IMMD.
  • I asked my brother for a percussion shaker for Christmas. I just discovered a gift under the tree labeled “DO NOT SHAKE.” IMMD.
  • As we were exchanging gifts on Christmas day, my sister suddenly stood up, cheered and yelled “I got a snuggie that you wear backwards!” It was a bath robe. IMMD.
  • For Christmas my parents got me the Zombie Survival Guide. They also gave me a crowbar, a kitchen knife, and A pass for a shooting range. When I asked why they responded with “There’s a class 1 outbreak in Japan.” IMMD

My kitten making IMMD???

We got a new kitten the other day and when i asked my 3 year what she wanted to name it she replied “Cheeseburger!”. IMMD

Old Fashion Xmas Eve

‘Twas the night before Christmas & out on the ranch

The pond was froze over & so was the branch.

The snow was piled up belly-deep to a mule.

The kids were all home on vacation from school,

And happier young folks you never did see-

Just all sprawled around a-watchin’ TV.

Then suddenly, some time around 8 o’clock,

There came a surprise that gave them a shock!

The power went off, the TV went dead!

When Grandpa came in from out in the shed

With an armload of wood, the house was all dark.

“Just what I expected,” they heard him remark.

“Them power line wires must be down from the snow.

Seems sorter like times on the ranch long ago.”

“I’ll hunt up some candles,” said Mom.  “With their light,

And the fireplace, I reckon we’ll make out all right.”

The teen-agers all seemed enveloped in gloom.

Then Grandpa came back from a trip to his room,

Uncased his old fiddle & started to play

That old Christmas song about bells on a sleigh.

Mom started to sing, & 1st thing they knew

Both Pop & the kids were all singing it, too.

They sang Christmas carols, they sang “Holy Night,”

Their eyes all a-shine in the ruddy firelight.

They played some charades Mom recalled from her youth,

And Pop read a passage from a book or two.

They stayed up till midnight-and, would you believe,

The youngsters agreed ’twas a fine Christmas Eve.

Grandpa rose early, some time before dawn;

And when the kids wakened, the power was on..

“The power company sure got the line repaired quick,”

Said Grandpa – & no one suspected his trick.

Last night, for the sake of some old-fashioned fun,

He had pulled the main switch – the old Son-of-a-Gun!

-anonymous

Holiday LFMF

  • When wrapping gifts, remember that your cat loves ribbon and will use her claws when she pounces. Don’t bleed on the gifts. #LFMF
  • Cookies a few minutes out of the oven are warm and delicious. Cookies directly out of the oven are still 375 degrees. #LFMF
  • Mom: We could make Christmas tree ornaments in the shape of cocktail wieners! We’ll call them Treeners!

  • Don’t get so drunk at Christmas that you start opening other people’s presents. #LFMF
  • When you’re a the designated photographer at your family’s holiday party and you need to make a list of people to take pictures of, don’t label the list “People To Shoot”. The people who discover the list won’t find it as funny as you. #LFMF
  • Complaining about which holiday greeting you get from someone instead of enjoying the season….Learn from your previous fails.

Local {Police Cruiser} News II

(Note: Due to the sensitive nature of cases concerning sexual assault, children’s welfare and mental health issues, not all calls are considered appropriate for publication)

— December 6 at 11:40 a.m. Police were called to investigate a break and enter into a Meadowvale garage. A bicycle was stolen and was later recovered.

— December 6 at 3:48 p.m. Granville Centre. A caller reported that a yellow Huffy bicycle was stolen overnight.

— December 6 at 8:35 p.m. Police were called to a traffic accident after a van slid off the road due to slippery road conditions. No injuries were reported and the vehicle was towed.

— December 7 at 8:14 a.m. A vehicle owner in Bridgetown reported it stolen and later called to back to advise the vehicle had been found. The owner had forgotten where it was parked.

— December 7 at 8:53 a.m. A Middleton business owner reported an outside pop machine was broken into and the money was stolen.

— December 7 at 3:42 p.m. A Lawrencetown caller reported that furnace oil had been stolen from an oil tank.

— December 8 at 7:10 p.m. Bear River. The police, members of EHS, and the Bear River Fire department are called to the scene of a traffic accident after a vehicle slid off the road and overturned in the ditch. Road conditions were so slippery at the time that the emergency vehicles had difficulty stopping. A vehicle coming down the hill was unable to stop at the scene and hit the fire truck. Thanks to the Department of Transportation’s quick response, the road was salted. Two vehicles were towed.

— December 8 at 9:06 p.m. Margaretsville. Police received a report that a male Grinch had visited a resident’s front yard and left his mark on a neighborhood snowman. The male is unidentified at this time, but he left a beer bottle behind.

— December 10 at 4:34 p.m. Allains Creek. An alarm sounding resulted in one male being arrested for two counts of break and enter. The individual was scheduled to appear in court during the new year.

–Friday December 10 Approx. 7:30 pm My husband (YD) hit a 1 year old deer on his way home from work. He called me to ask my advice on the situation and I informed him to call the Local RCMP office and they would either deal with the deer or would refer him on to Lands & Forests who would either euthanize the deer or take it to a vet. He called the RCMP who refereed him on to Lands & Forests who said that they would send someone out Monday to deal with the animal. My husband told them that the animal was alive and they still said someone would deal with it Monday at the earliest. Thankfully a family member was willing to make the trip from Clementsvale to assist the animal {which I might add was being watch from the shoulder of the road by its mother and younger sibling). The animal made a full recovering and was later seen rejoining its family in a near by field.

— December 10 at 9:24 p.m. The Grinch strikes again in Wilmot. Christmas decorations were stolen from a property.

— December 12 at 8:33 a.m. Middleton. A vehicle was stolen overnight from a service center in Middleton was later recovered at a nearby park.

— December 12 at 8 a.m. The Grinch strikes again in Lawrencetown. Police were advised that a Nativity scene was vandalized and a nearby birdhouse is taken.

Crimes, or information on crimes, can be reported to Annapolis RCMP at 665-4481 in Bridgetown or 825-2000 in Middleton. Information on crimes can alsobe reported to Crime Stoppers at 1-800-222-TIPS.

IMMD & LFMF XXI

*We’d been painting our new house and left the lid off the paint resulting in the paint to dry up. To keep it out of the way it was left in the yard by the time we were finished it was gone and twenty minutes later we had a knock on the door a kid (5 – 6 y.o) had taken it but in her words “we didnt know it was all dried up so you can have it back we’ll find some different paint for the dog…”

*Always remember to keep door closed to litter box room when giving long haired cat a bath. Kitty jumped in and was covered in clumps of litter. Earning the nickname Captain Clump! #LFMF

*I am in the Army and currently stationed in Korea. One Monday it was particularly rainy and dreary. While I was walking to work I decided to splash through the puddles on the sidewalk like I used to do as a little kid. A Captain stopped me and asked what I was doing. I replied, “Letting my inner child out for a walk, Sir!” He laughed and said, “Carry on, soldier.” As he walked away he splashed a few puddles himself, laughed, and walked out of sight. IMMD and my week!

*Glass pots taken from the stove and plunged into cold water will crack. So will a cold glass-top dining room table if you attempt to iron your shirt on it. #LFMF

*On my sister’s seventeenth birthday I dozed off for a moment next to her on our couch. I woke up with a start to her yelling. “POP!” Now sitting on the other side of me and giving a huge grin she stated, “I just apparated… Legally.”

*It is not insane to be afraid that your ceiling fan will fall out of the ceiling. It will happen the day after your wedding as you are trying to clean your room. #LFMF

*i brought my male friend over to my flat for the first time the other day. when we arrived my other girl flatmate was still in her pajamas even though it was mid afternoon. i pointed this out to her, and she said “its my gaming weekend, and i don’t like playing WOW in my clothes” the look on my friends face was priceless, as he turned to me and said “am i dreaming???” IMMD XD

*See the dentist before it is too late. #LFMF

*When flying from the London airport back to Frankfurt I looked out the window and saw the light of London, then I looked out the other window and saw the coast of France. My best friend then proceeded to bend over to get her ipod, exposing her underpants. yeah, I yelled out very loudly “I SEE LONDON I SEE FRANCE, I SEE YOUR UNDERPANTS!” many people sniggered and laughed out loud.

*Be aware that if you ask a friend when her nose job is scheduled, she might have already had it. This is not a good way to maintain a friendship,but at least you will know what Dr. NOT to use for yours. #LFMF

*I live in an older city that has metal rings set in the curbs, presumably so one can tie up a horse. Today I tripped and looked down, thinking I’d tripped on one of these rings. I’d actually tripped over a My Little Pony, carefully tied up. IMMD!

*Never buy a video game on eBay that says OST with the title. You’ll end up with the soundtracks instead. #LFMF

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