Archive for July, 2013

Pagan Humor LXXXVIII

In the Olde Days, when our pagan forefathers were going through the persecutions, witches took craft names to conceal their identities and avoid those annoying visits by the Inquisition. In the course of recent years, it was noticed that these aliases could also be used as a foundation for building up a magical personality, carrying out various kinds of transformational work on the self, and the like. It’s clear, though, that these were mere distractions from the real purpose lying hidden within the craft name tradition. It took contact with other sources of ancient, mystic lore – mostly role-playing games, and assorted fantasy trilogies – to awaken the Craft to the innermost secret of craft names: they make really cool fashion statements. It’s in that spirit that Lady Pixie Moondrip offers the following guidelines to choosing your own craft name. Such a guide is long overdue; the point of fashion, after all, is that it allows you to express your own utterly unique individuality by doing exactly the same thing as everyone else. (Those who are particularly drawn to this element of the craft name tradition will find the Random Craft Name Generator near the end of this guide especially useful.) The approaches given here can be used separately, or combined in a single name to produce any number of interesting effects. Given enough cleverness (and lack of taste), the possibilities are endless!

Starting Off Right Whatever else you do, you should certainly begin your craft name with “Lord” or “Lady.” First of all, it’s pretentious, and that’s always a good way to start. Secondly, it makes an interesting statement about a religion that supposedly has its roots in the traditions of peasants and rural tribes-people. Thirdly, since most Craft groups use exactly these same words for the God and the Goddess, this creates a (by no means inappropriate) confusion about just who it is that we worship.

Divine Names Along the same lines, you can always take the name of a god, a goddess, a mythological being or a legendary hero as your craft name, thus putting yourself on the same level as the powers you invoke. Having once watched two fifteen-year-old boys get into a fistfight over which had the right to call himself “Lord Merlin,” Lady Pixie has a high opinion of the possibilities of this approach. She notes, however, that there seems to be an unwritten law among those who have made use of this type of name already, and it’s no doubt wisest to follow suit: the more grandiose the name that you choose, the more of a complete nebbish you should be. Nearly anyone can carry off, say, “Lady Niwalen,” but it takes a special kind of person to handle a name like “Lord Jehovah God Almighty.” Fortunately, there are those among us who are equal to the task.

Species A related approach involves taking a name that implies (or, better yet, states openly) that you are an elf or some other kind of nonhuman, magical being. This works best if you are willing to act the part obsessively, and to get really petulant when anyone fails to respond accordingly. Subtlety should be avoided; nobody will catch something like “Lord Elrandir” unless they know J.R.R. Tolkien inside and out. Try something more like “Lord Celeborn Pointears the Real Live Elf.”

Fantasy Fiction The field of fantasy fiction offers another source for fashionable craft names, and in many cases, for interesting complications as well. One popular approach is to choose the name of your favorite character; as with nonhumans, this works best if you play the part, and throw a tantrum unless everyone else plays along. Given luck and a sense of the popular, you may be able to choose everyone else’s favorite character, too, and end up tussling over a name with a dozen other people. Both this and the last category have the added advantage of making it clear that, as far as you are concerned, the Craft is simply a setting for make-believe games; this can help spare you the annoyance of actually having to learn something about it.

Inventing A Name From Scratch The best way to do this is to come up with something that sounds, say, vaguely Celtic, perhaps by mangling a couple of existing names together, and then resolutely avoid looking it up in a Welsh or Gaelic dictionary. Luck is an important factor here, but there is always the chance that you’ll manage something striking. It took one person of Lady Pixie’s acquaintance only a few minutes to blur together Gwydion son of Don and Girion, Lord of Dale, into the craft name “Lord Gwyrionin,” and several months to find out that the name he had invented, and used throughout the local pagan scene, was also the Welsh word for “idiot.”
Following a Grand Tradition Though the ink is barely dry on most of our modern Wiccan “traditions,” there’s at least one ancient European tradition that many people in the Craft follow: the tradition of stealing things from non-Western peoples. Fake Indian craft names are always chic, especially if the closest thing to contact with Native American spirituality you’ve ever had is watching Dances With Wolves at a beer party. Better still, mix whatever Craft teachings you have absorbed with a few ideas you picked up from a Michael Harner book, break out the buckskins and the medicine pouches, and proclaim yourself a shaman. Mind you, there are people out there who have received real Native American medicine teachings, and they may just turn you into hamburger if you piss them off; still, that’s the risk you run if you want to be really trendy.

See Part Two Of Choosing a Magical Name August 26th. — Lady Pixie Moondrip

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Post Secret CXXXX

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Post Secret CXXXIX

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Each week I read Post Secret I find that people are getting less intelligent and more and more self-centered, materialistic and overall shallow. There are more important things in life then, clothes, sex and what your fucking ex-boyfriend is doing. GET OVER YOURSELVES ALREADY!

Pagan Humor LXXXVII

LXXXVII
The Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Mother-In-Law

In the double current of Maat/Horus, the disbanding of Nirvana and the age of the new Goddess, Alanis Morrissett, do I type these words, ’tis true, without a word of lie, ’tis very true. That which is on the z-list is online, and that which is online, is on the z-list, to work boredom from. And just as all things have been, and are come from, Shub internet, so are all e-mails born of this one thing. And so it goes…..

As I lay in my chamber, exausted from another day, my Ladywife and child beside me, I did hear a stirring coming from yonder.

“Hark!”, I said, I usually don’t say “Hark,” but it makes for a better story, “Hark!”, I said, “What is that noise from kitchen yonder?”

I crawled from the safety of my warm nest and reached for my weapon. I spoke the secret words as taught to me by my mentor, Mr. Rogers.

“Oh mighty Mjollnir, basher of burglars, at any other time thy name be golfclub, defend me now in your grandest “hole in one” style. I invoke thee Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicholas, and Lee Trevino. Lee, you’re not that great of a golfer, but you were struck by lightning.”

I felt the powerglow of Mjollnir creep through my body, or it might have just been heartburn from too much pizza before bed, I’m not sure. Feeling bold, I took four antacid tablets with extra calcium and crept down the stairs to the cavern we call the kitchen.

There before me hunched over a pot of some incongruent mass, was, to my horror, the Mother-in-law!

I quickly said my silent invocation to the God “Nike Adidas” and the silent incantation “Feets don’t fail me now” but she turned and saw me before I could run away.

The stench of too much Opium and Morning Dew perfume assaulted my senses, I almost passed out from the smell. I shook my head to clear my throbbing brain, and saw her moving toward me, a spoon in one hand and the pot in the other.

Thinking as quickly as I could I shouted “Get thee behind me Mother-in-law. Oh yea, forcer of unwanted food, pincher of my young son’s cheeks. Take your pots of alcohol chicken and your silly folk superstitions and begone.”

And she that moved spake, “We are the Mother-in-laws and we are many, we move into your home in the well-meaning guise of nutritional needs, but in reality we come to cause strife. Our famous curse Support the baby’s head! will ring in your ears till the day you die.”

The odor of garlic and Polident was almost too much to bear. I was frozen in place, forced to listen to her complaining diatribe.

She continued “I hurl upon ye, parents that love your children and would keep them. We the Mother-in-laws manifest in many forms, one of those forms being ‘The well meaning friend’.”

I had had enough, I knew if I didn’t stop this horror now, it would be too late. I rose up and spoke the revered names of Gods and Goddesses most hated by the Mother-in-law.

“I invoke thee Led Zeppelin, fall upon this Legion and take it from my site. In through the out door, if you will. And also the curse called ‘The well-meaning friend’. Those vile childless beings that somehow know everything about how to rear my child. Jimi Hendricks wail upon your guitar with extra feedback and distortion, Janis Joplin rip one out and sonically banish this blot on human kind.”

Then I spoke my best and most sacred barbarous name incantation, that of Cheech and Chong “Oh Feely me bony belly e probiscus e Billy selly all of his dominoes.”

And with that the Mother-in-law packed her bags and left my dwelling, vowing never to return.

Somehow, I doubted it.

Post Secret CXXXVIII

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Post Secret CXXXVII

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Dear Sonogram
The worst part of you having an abortion is that you think weight gain is worse. I am pro-choice, but your attitude towards abortion makes me sick.

Dear Doc Hater
The scary thing is Doctors don’t know our bodies, they just know a bunch of stitistics that have nothing to do with us as individuals. Doctors are frauds now a days.

Dear Broken Arm
…HOW!?? Also, sounds like good sex.

Dear Date-Raped
I too fell in love with my rapist. Now 14 years later, he has come back into my life as a friend of a friend… He wants to get back together even though I am married and he is recently divorced. I don’t know what to do.

Dear Circus
I too would run away to Camelot.

Pagan Humor LXXXVI

The Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Casserole

To prepare for this ritual, clear a space for the circle in the center of the kitchen. Then don your ceremonial apron and hold your ceremonial spatula in your right hand. Stand in the center of the circle and face east. You are ready to begin:

With your spatula, draw a banishing pentagram to the East. Then, thrust your spatula through the pentagram and say, “Microwave dinners, be gone!”
Move to the South. Again, draw a banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it. “TV dinners, be gone!”
Move to the West. Draw the banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it. “Ramen instant noodles, be gone!”
Move to the north. Draw the banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it, “Mystery meat in a can, be gone!”
Move to the center of the circle and stand still. Chant the following:
Before me, Martha Stewart.
Behind me, Betty Crocker.
To my right side, Julia Child.
To my left side, Martha Stewart, AGAIN!
Visualize yourself standing in a giant casserole and proclaim, “For about me bakes the casserole, and around me shines the 6-course meal.”
Clap your hands three times and say, “It’s a good thing.”
The rite is over.

If the ritual is not effective, please order take-out ASAP.

Moon Phases July

July