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Top 10 Signs You’re Dealing With A Wanna-be Witch

10. "I learned how to make a stoplight change!"
9. "Can you teach me how to make a raincloud come around?"
8. "Well, I saw this really cool Ricki Lake show on the Craft…"
7. "I’m a natural witch!"
6. "What do you mean, I’m not in ceremonial clothing?"
5. "You mean that you don’t have a familiar?"
4. "I studied the Necronomicon. It was pretty cool. Sitting right there in Waldenbooks, I just had to summon Cthulu!"
3. "I sometimes hear voices in my head…they tell me that the Goddess is watching me and my parents are freaks."
2. "I’m an expert at Tarot/runes/reading auras/etc."
1. "I’m a warlock."

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Today as I was walking home from town a guy came up to me and asked if
I’d like a hug. I answered "okay" and this guy in a giant bear costume
jumped out of the nearest bush and bear hugged me. I got bear hugged
(literally) by a complete stranger. IMMD!

I came home from a long day at work where I was greeted by my 5 yr
holding a Wii controller in his hand. He looked up and me and said:
"Pull it together, dad. Its time to save the princess!" IMMD

If you’re going to be out of town for three months, it’s a good idea to
shut off the water and electricity. But it’s also a good idea to empty
the fridge first. #LFMF

Never start the dishwasher to kill the cockroach you just saw in it
unless you like insect bits plastered all over your dishes. #LFMF

Leftover powder from powdered doughnuts + long pinky nails + a runny nose + work = bad. You will be drug tested. #LFMF

At work, my coworker and I were talking about our famous ancestors. I’m
related to Jesse James. He is related to the Younger gang. Our
ancestors were homies. IMMD.

One of my students showed up in class today with a dramatically short
haircut. He’d donated his 18" long hair to a cancer charity for wigs.
IMMD

Today, my family went to a fast food restaurant. My little brother had
the kids’ menu that had a space-theme. He was coloring the planets, then
looked up at the waiter and said, "What color is Uranus?" The
expression on the guy’s face was priceless until he realized what my
brother really meant and IMMD.

It is possible for a 3 year old to hit the right sequence of buttons on
the remote to order an inappropriate movie in the amount of time it
takes for you to wash your hands. #LFMF

It was my 22nd birthday and I was at the bar with my folks and my best
friend when I ordered an Irish Car Bomb. The bartender set up two and
said "No one should have to do this alone" and did one with me. IMMD

I needed to trim my bangs, but my cat was sitting in the sink under the
mirror and he refused to leave. He’s been shedding like crazy this
season, so the sink was covered in fur. So, I figured what the heck,
and cut my hair while leaning over the counter above him. Today I got
to shed on him and IMMD!

Never leave a 2 year old alone for 5 minutes. You will spend most of the
day trying to figure out what removes an entire tub of vaseline from
your bathroom mirror. #LFMF

I was sitting out front, reading a book, when my mate’s little sister
drove up in one of those toy Jeeps and said, completely serious: "Get
in, loser. We’re going shopping." IMMD.

While doing flood relief work in Tennessee this week, I had the
opportunity to work alongside a 98 year old man who came to help us. He
told us that the last time he got his driver’s license renewed he asked
for a lifetime license. When the woman told him she could only give him
one that lasted 4 years he responded, "That’ll do!" IMMD

When going mountain biking for the first time in years, make sure that
really fun downhill you used to ride doesn’t now end with a 10-foot high
retaining wall with a new driveway below. #LFMF

Signs your child might be a witch

1. Your child asks to use the broom to cleanse, I mean clean, their room.
2. There is always a steak knife missing.
3. Your smallest pan keeps disappearing and reappearing, and always smells like ashes and potpourri.
4. All your candle holders are missing.
5. They now enjoy going to the fabric store with you and they want thread, ribbon and cloth of every color of the rainbow.
6. Their Christmas and Birthday wish lists consist of: a white or black full length bathrobe, blank journal books, window box herb gardens and a box of candles in assorted colors.
7. You just figured out that every full or new moon your child asks to have 3 friends spend the night; and strangely they are very quiet all night.
8. Your child now says "Merry Meet Again" every morning to you and whenever they leave they say "Merry Part".
9. Your recipe cards are disappearing and when you do find them you can’t make since of the recipe since it doesn’t require any actual cooking.
10. Your child has a new ID bracelet that reads something like "RavenMoon" "StarWolf" or "SunDragon"
11. Your child asks you one day for a compass, four pails of paint; blue, green, red, and yellow, so that they can paint their room correctly.
12. They insist that their first car be the color brown and have a license plate that says BROOM.
13. Their pillows are now filled with all your potpourri.
14. You ask your child to rake up the autumn leaves in the yard, and they come back with a small stick and a large stick; which you later find to have shiny objects on them and unidentifiable etchings.
15. Once a jar gets emptied in your house it ends up in your child’s room filled with various objects like pins, needles, hair, honey, paper, and soil.

• I was getting an oil change and there were about ten guys working. When
  the Spice Girls came over the sound system, they all started singing
  along and dancing around the cars. I thought it was just a song on the
  radio until I heard two more songs play and they did the same thing…it
  was a CD. IMMD

• Just cause he’s a farmer, doesn’t mean he can’t beat you for all your
  cash at chess. #LFMF

• Today I was on the London Underground, and after stopping the train at a
  station the driver announced over the speakers "Passengers are reminded
  that flash photography is not allowed on the platform, as I now cannot
  see. This train will be held here until I regain my night vision." IMMD

• Make sure that people know you play a violin before you say your G-string snapped. #LFMF

• I was driving to work and had to stop at a light. In the next lane over
  was a VW Fox stopped behind a VW Rabbit. IMMD.

• Even though the Ambien bottle says not to drive or operate heavy machinery, assume "heavy machinery" also means "online shopping" and "give your dog a new haircut" #LFMF

• I got ordained last night so that I could be the officiant for my brother’s wedding. This morning (he is ordained too) he pointed out that we are closer than ever to being ghost busters now because we can perform exorcisms. We used to play ghost busters all the time as kids so IMMD.

• DO NOT let your grandparents get drunk. You will never recover from your grandmother telling you that she wears crotch-less knickers, and no grandfather should know what "giggety" means or use it in any context. #LFMF

• Have you ever pet a static-y cat in the dark?
  They sparkle!

• Make sure that your child’s preschool
  teachers know your husband is an IVF (test tube baby) lab supervisor
  before the "What my Daddy Does for Work" day – especially
  if your husband took said child into work on a quiet day to check
  data. Inevitably, when asked "What does your Daddy do for work?"
  will be answered as "He makes babies and I got to watch!"
  #LFMF

• I found out yesterday that my family is putting my recently deceased grandfather’s ashes in a moonshine jug. IMMD.

• When your young cousin asks, "what’s
  a f–k?" don’t hurriedly reply that it’s a female duck.
  They will use the term to refer to the ducks they see on the pond
  during a school trip. #LFMF

• My fiance reached into my pocket and grabbed my change. She said "My pickpocketing has increased by 1!" IMMD.

• If your friend has to take a deep
  breath before listing off all the different drinks they had that
  night, they’re NOT OK to drive. #LFMF

Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary
Author Prefers to remain anonymousDay

752— My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I’m forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761—-Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving in and out of their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, note must try at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair……must try doing this on their bed.

Day768—I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was given the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo”. What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of the thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771—There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they called “Beer”. More importantly I over heard that my confinement was due to my Power of Allergies. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.