Archive for October, 2010

Pagan Humor XIX

Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary Part 3

Author Prefers to remain anonymous

Day 820—Today my captors locked me in the basement for a “dinner party” after waiting for the party to start for almost an hour, I decided to use the air ducts to explore the reason for their slowness. I discovered that they were having the party with out me. However I was able to dine on some of the giant bird they had left on the kitchen counter. Unfortunately I was barely full when the female discovered me. My hind quarters still sting from the news paper.

Day 826—After days of angry looks from my captors I have decided that tonight is the night I shall escape. When they leave for their nightly walk, I shall sneak out the door with them.

Day 826.5—The escape will have to wait, it is raining.

Day 830—Success. When my female captor left this morning for work she did not see be slip out with her. I managed to bring this diary with me and a little food in my mouth. In hind sight perhaps I should have left the diary and brought more food. However not all is lost. Their is a squire in the trees somewhere. I can hear him and his friends chatting. It is a squirrel that speaks in long “Aaawooo” howls, right?

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IMMD & LFMF XII

*I found an envelope outside my train station with a letter and $2 inside. The letter reads, “Loose Change the World – This money was left here specifically for your use. I know it’s not much – perhaps just enough to treat yourself to a cookie, coffee, a lottery ticket, a donation to the homeless, a new pair of socks. In …any case, I hope it “changes” your day for the better.” WIN and IMMD.

*If the recipe says to let the bread dough rise to double its size, make sure the bowl you use is at least twice as big as the original dough. #LFMF

*I used to work with children with special needs and one of the things we worked on was how to be more independent. We would often take them to Wal-Mart to do shopping and one day two of them were debating which coupon was the best for TP when a lady shouted at us “why do you have to bring kids like that here?” One of the girls yelled right back “Because we need toilet paper like everyone else!” It TOTALLY MMD

*When your young son enjoys the music of “Bare Naked Ladies” don’t let him search for the band online. #LFMF

* Today I saw a guy flying a kite on a fishing rod. IMMD.

*Never play videos of hungry, distressed kittens to a female cat. She thought I was sitting on and squishing kittens, and bit me to get me to stand up. She’s still suspicious of me. #LFMF

*Today I mentioned to my friend that I was stressed. When he asked me why, I replied saying it was mainly hormones. His reply: “Damn those simple amino acid chains!” IMMD

*Before taking vitamins, make sure you read the label, because those vitamins just possibly could be the kind that are meant to be dissolved in water, and you WILL end up looking like a rabid dog. #LFMF

*Today I realized that my neighbor plays the bagpipes. I live next to the city fire department. IMMD

*Don’t ever think you can save time by brushing your teeth and using a q-tip at the same time. You will inevitably twirl your toothbrush and jam the q-tip deep into your brain. #LFMF

Pagan Humor XVIII

Now for those of you who are new, and have never encountered persons calling themselves pagans, witches, goddess-worshippers, here’s how to tell us apart–with a healthy bit of tongue in one’s cheek.

1. Bright-Eyed Novice:
You just read this cool book about a religion where there’s a Goddess and a God, and they meet outside in nature, instead of some scary old building. They think sex is GOOD not evil, and you want to know where to sign up.

Distinguishing Signs:
Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which is deosil and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with “A-frame”.)

2. Grand Old Wo/Man:
Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about the time they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley – or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three people with one name?

Distinguishing Signs:
Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows all the famous Witches’ and Pagans you’ve only read about.

3. Tree Hugging Nature Sprite:
Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry’s old tree spikes. Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity AND returning the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the shrubbery at a moment’s notice. Can discuss compost in great detail.

Distinguishing Signs:
No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no drugs, no eco-exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very tolerant.

4. Anal Retentive Ceremonialist:
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once. Does “workings” instead of “rituals”. All twenty volumes of their magical diaries are all in Enochian.

Distinguishing Signs:
Won’t go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of which direction is east. Dresses according to planetary conditions, or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart.

5. Womyncentric Gynocrat
A man’s shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying it. She’ll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the magical properties of menstrual blood.

Distinguishing Signs:
Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a penis, are a favoured symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking.

6. Sexy Pagan Nymph:
Oh, they’re so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh — and you can actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms… pant, drool…

Distinguishing Signs:
Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry to you under a full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of them.

7. Corporate Closet Witch:
“Hey, boss — I’d like to take February 2nd as a personal day…” Has an entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows concerned with spells for purifying the workplace. Doesn’t mind working on Christmas, especially if there’s overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at work since being canned by that born-again boss, but still refuses to say “Merry Christmas.”

Distinguishing Signs:
Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous tattoos.

8. Childe Ov Kaos:
Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to think. Knows what a Prince Albert is. Personally feels that if no panicky headlines appear the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up. Painted on their jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or boldly displayed as jewellery is an emblem which resembles a combination of corporate logo and arcane symbol. If you don’t know what it means, they’ll think you’re a dweeb.

Distinguishing Signs:
Easy to picture as an alternative musician or bike messenger, difficult to visualise as a school teacher or research assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV news anchor or bank officer. Always wears black leather, even when sleeping.

9. Crowley-In-A-Past-Life:
Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with several variants along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or somebody who was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were abducted by aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams rich with arcane symbolism that they will tell you all about, in great detail.

Distinguishing Signs:
Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling with various psychiatric medications, and the garments that were clearly designed and tailored on another planet.

10. Ravin’ Pagan:
Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses to do boring Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes with lots of interesting local plants. Can say “Ayahuasca” ten times real fast and deliver long quotes from Terrence McKenna.

Distinguishing Signs:
Dresses in color combinations that hurt the eyes unless you’ve taken ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile, never goes anywhere without ritual drum.

11. Faerie Queen:
Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a couple or are all four of them a quadruple? If getting answers to these questions could disturb you, best stay away. If, on the other hand, these kind of questions seem overly judgmental, you might have a real good time…

Distinguishing Signs:
When you look at this person, does every sex act you’ve ever experienced in your life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so, congratulations — you’ve found a Faerie!

12. High Episcopagan:
Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager, an orchestra with chorus and last at least three hours? It’s a High Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and pages of Olde English, have more ritual garbs than most people have socks, and consider their main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley.

Distinguishing Signs:
Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows every note of “Carmina Burana”. Don’t ask them about that 18th century seed pearl trim on their ritual hat unless you’ve got an hour to spare.

13. Fundamentapagan:
If it’s in a book, it must be true. If it’s in an old book, it must really be true. If it’s in an old book that was handed down from an oral tradition of people who couldn’t read or write, then it must really be way true. Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses, or other mechanical assistance. Believes that anyone who lives in a city, eats meat or has a regular job, dare not call themselves a pagan.

Distinguishing Signs:
Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old “Crowley ghosted Gardner’s books” argument. Goes around correcting everyone’s gaelic/old norse/latin/babylonian.

14. Dances With Bunny rabbits:
Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings. Charter member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly executed. Has many, many, many pets. Has a spirit animal. Personally owns 927 models, pictures, and other depictions of their spirit animal.

Distinguishing Signs:
Not counting the pagan his/herself, how many animals can you see when looking at them? If the count surpasses five (including critters found on tattoos, jewelry, garments and undies), you’ve found a worshipper of beasties.

15. Priest/ess of Political Correctness:
Analyzes everything they read or hear for sexist-racist-homophobic-imperialist-Eurocentric content without paying attention to what is actually being said. Believes in personal liberty — everyone has the right to be overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-thou, not just the Xtian Right. Incredibly boring yet annoyingly self-righteous all at the same time.

Distinguishing Signs:
Beady hyper-alert little eyes are constantly in motion, waiting for someone to do or say something bad. Has loud and attention attracting hissy fits when confronted with everyday things such as advertising or corporate franchises. Rudimentary sense of humor is rarely activated.

16. Our Lady Of Intense Suffering:
Is constantly persecuted. You’re probably persecuting her right now, you just don’t realize it. Became a Pagan because she decided it was the most persecuted religion of all. Can’t enjoy anything because it would be selfish to have any fun when so many are suffering.

Distinguishing Signs:
Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor than #17. Bristles when anyone says the words “masochist” or “whining”.

17. Het-Case:
Insist that they aren’t homophobic; they just believe that Paganism is about a goddess and a god and they do it and what could be more obvious than that? It just doesn’t “work right” if you try any other way! Are secretly afraid that gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetro bones.

Distinguishing Signs:
Living spaces abound with depictions of satyrs with enormous genitals and huge-breasted, doe-eyed goddesses. Long manicured nails and wreaths of flowers (on females only — men have big, bushy beards instead.)

18. Norse Code:
Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with festival organizers and park rangers due to their fondness for running around with a huge battle-ax in one hand and a full mead horn in the other. They throw the best parties, but if you’re a wimp, you’re expressly not invited.

Distinguishing Signs:
Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from their necks.

19. Pentacles, Inc:
Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren’t buying my hand forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces — they come in silver and gold, and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly button. Would you like a reading? Will that be Visa or Master Card?

Distinguishing Signs:
Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams. You’ve never seen so much Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole life. Rarely leaves the dealer’s room and can’t believe there are so many jewelry sellers present.

20. Monster Truck Pagan:
Can grow their own food, build their own house, sew their own clothes, home school their children and brew their own mead. Are looking forward to the bleak, post-apocalyptic world postulated by the environmentalists as they can’t wait to run amok through the country, worshipping ancient gods, blowing up strip malls and rutting on the divider line of every interstate.

Distinguishing Signs:
Resourceful, clever and very well versed in the U. S. Constitution. Eats meat with visible twitches of pleasure. is aware that primitive religions have nothing to do with crystals, Atlantis or unicorns.

21. Scary Devil Worshipper:
Would never be caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a snide, knowing way which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read The Bell Curve with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a fly, but they want you to think they’re capable of vast destruction.

Distinguishing Signs:
Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black eye liner. At least one inverted pentagram somewhere on their person. If you see several of them getting tanked in a bar, it would be wise to stay far away.

Scary Devil Worshipper:
Would never be caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a snide, knowing way which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read The Bell Curve with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a fly, but they want you to think they’re capable of vast destruction.Distinguishing Signs:
Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black eye liner. At least one inverted pentagram somewhere on their person. If you see several of them getting tanked in a bar, it would be wise to stay far away.

Hello world!

They say “Welcome to WordPress.com.” I say “I liked live spaces better.”

If you haven’t guessed this is my first post after the semi-forced switch from Live Spaces to Word Press. So here I am, yeah! (Sarcasm implied).

IMMD & LFMF XI

My husband always complained that I couldn’t make a roast like his mom. We were visiting his sister and she made roast. My husband exclaimed,”Thisis just like mom used to make. Tell my wife how you did it!” My sister-in-law turned to me and said, “It’s burnt.” HAH! SO MMD! 

Live every day like he’s deploying tomorrow. Because one day he could be gone, and the next, gone forever. Don’t put off love. Be here now. #LFMF

I ride a motorbike to work every day, and I sit between middle and fast lanes of the cars as they crawl along. One hot day as I got closer to a van full of contractors the passenger put his feet out of the window for the breeze. For such a big guy he screamed like a girl when on my way past I grabbed his foot! Laughed all the way home, and so did everyone else in the van!

Turns out these nifty new erasable pens are actually heat sensitive so while cramming for a final exam don’t place a pot of hot tea on your notes #LFMF

I was just outside my house having a cigarette reading the smoking kills warning, and a falling branch misses me by inches. They ain’t kidding, decided that’s my last packet but the moment MMD.

That $200 motor kit for your bike can handle speeds of up to 45km/h. Unfortunately, your brakes can’t. #LFMF

Overheard the following between two sons tonight — Upon opening a carton of mint choc chip ice cream, one expressed disappointment. the other responded, “it’s mint chocolate chip, what did you want it to be?” With my favorite comeback of the year, the first replied, “Full.”

If you need some felt for a craft project, do not announce to your dad that you are “Going to the mall to get felt”. #LFMF

Today, as I was driving to work, a police cruiser in front of me put on its lights and stopped traffic on the road, for no apparent reason. I was starting to get annoyed until I saw the policeman get out of his car to rescue a turtle from the road. Totally MMD.

Just because you’re married to a girl doesn’t mean she won’t punch you in the face while taking a peek at her in the shower. #LFMF

October Moon Phases Moon Phases