Archive for April, 2013

Post Secret CXXVII

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Pagan Humor LXXXI

Listed below is a selected list of many of the lesser-known gods and demi-gods of Greece that have apparently been ignored or forgotten by historians for various and sundry reasons. Some of these gods were obviously important and useful in everyday life habits, others apparently had no redeeming value whatsoever, but somehow achieved god- or goddess status. This list is presented here in the hopes that it will prove helpful to someone, somewhere, at sometime.


Egregious – God of Errors

Though he spent virtually all his life with the other gods and goddesses on Mount Olympus, he is rumored to have left for a short vacation to the south of France where he met and had an affair with the French goddess, Faux Pas. Egregious was one of the smartest gods on Mount Olympus. In fact, many thought he might be as smart as Zeus, though no one would ever admit this publicly. However, his unfortunate habit of making so many mistakes kept him from becoming one of the better-known gods.

When asked how someone so smart could make so many stupid mistakes, his reply was always “You learn from your mistakes. Obviously, I’ve made so many mistakes, I’ve become a genius!”

Melanoma – God of Tanning

Often seen away from Mount Olympus and down along the sandy beaches of southern Greece, Melanoma could have been ranked up there with the other major gods of his time, He was strong, handsome, and had a body that attracted all the goddesses. His only major fault was getting involved with the mortal Macedonian strip queen, Ultra Violet.

The two of them constantly played naked in the sun along the Greek shoreline. Zeus, upon seeing Melanoma cavorting with a non-Olympian, decided to punish him by taking away his immortality. This didn’t seem to bother Melanoma at first and he continued to associate with Ultra Violet and played in the buff each day. Soon though, Melanoma started to notice small dark patches on his skin that eventually became cancerous. He died a quick, but horrible death, with Ultra Violet at his side till the very end.

Ozone – God of Memory

Ozone was another failed god. Upon attaining godhood, Zeus asked Ozone to choose the subject for which he would be revered for all time. He chose Memory. To celebrate his attaining full godliness, Ozone married his school sweetheart, Amnesia. However, their foggy relationship soon resulted in the complete loss of all the records of all the great gods on Mount Olympus.

Zeus retaliated by immediately expelling Ozone to Southern California, where he was held prisoner in the dreaded “Inversion Layer” along with the evil nether-world dragon-god of progress and technology, Smog.

Pancreas – Demi-god of Dessert

Father of the sugar gods, Arabinose, Fructose, and Glucose.

Pancreas was a short-lived god who spent most of his time on coffee breaks eating donuts. His marriage to Diabetes was no help to him at all and he died soon after they had their three sons.

Peristalsis – God of Bowel Movements

Revered for his strength and perseverance, Peristalsis occupied a special place in the bathrooms of old Greece. Figurines in his likeness stood next to or near the place of anal evacuation. A special prayer to Peristalsis often accompanied a trip to the bathroom in some of the better bathrooms of high-society Greeks.

Uvula – Goddess of Swallowing

Uvula was an often unappreciated goddess who spent most of her time at the back of the room of all the other gods and goddesses on Mount Olympus. Only when she cleared her throat did anyone bother to pay any attention to her. She originally came from Rome and was accepted into the Greek goddess system, but only because of the promise she showed. She was reported to spend some time with the god Fellatio (a part-Italian god) who promised to show her something she could do that would make her one of the most revered goddesses of all of Mount Olympus (at least by the gods there). They were to meet one hot and steamy night under an olive tree where Fellatio would show her what she could do. Unfortunately, Fellatio never came.

Zirconia – Goddess of Costume Jewelry

Often in direct competition with the goddesses Titanium and Platinum, Zirconia was pretty much always relegated to being allowed only to attend the lesser parties on Mount Olympus at which the great gods and goddesses were rarely present. As a result, Zirconia was subsequently ignored by most historians and now only shows up on the backs of magazines for really cheap prices.

Post Secret CXXVI

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Post Secret CXXV

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Pagan Humor LXXX

A Song of New Age WitchCraft {Also known as “TheĀ Fraudster’sĀ Song”}

National Enquirer runs my advertisements
Even though last week they revoked my license
Hexes and Love Spells, for $9.95
It’s this kind of garbage that keeps me alive

(Doot-Doot-Doot, Doot-Doot-Doot, Doot-Doot-Doot, Doot-Doot-Doot)

I’ll sell you crosses and religious icons
I buy them wholesale, I get them in Taiwan
Copy my spells from off bathroom walls
Write them in Latin, my fans are enthralled

Mail Order Witchcraft, it’s a living, and I’m doing well
I claim tax exemption because of a religion and then I just sell, sell, sell

(Waa-waa-waa)

Crowley’s the author of my favorite spell

For summoning demons up out of Hell

Wasn’t poetic, I changed it a pinch…
Last one to use it, has not been seen since

(Doot-Doot-Doot, Doot-Doot-Doot,
Doot-Doot-Doot, Doot-Doot-Doot)

I’ve written a book about spells and their uses
Catching familiars in spell-woven nooses
Changing your husband into a small pup
It’s all quite authentic, I made it all up

Mail Order Witchcraft, it’s a living, and writing is not hard
I’ve written booklets and pamphlets and novels, I’m thinking of greeting cards

(Waa-waa-waa)

I’m quite advanced, I’ve even made Elder
Though at the seminar they made us swelter
Took me three days but I got my degree
For a nominal fee you can get yours from me

(Doot-Doot-Doot, Doot-Doot-Doot,
Doot-Doot-Doot, Doot-Doot-Doot)

My Wiccan acquaintances cause a sensation
Claiming that I’ve ruined their reputation
I think that’s nonsense, just jealous I fear
What I learned in three days has taken them years

Mail Order Witchcraft, it’s a living, my clientele is large
I’ll accept cash, money order or Visa, I even take Master Charge

Post Secret CXXIV

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Moon Phases April

April