Archive for November, 2011

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Pagan Humor XLVIII

Mom: Honey, I’m so happy you’re Wiccan and not a Satanist.
Me: Mom, I’m atheist.
Mom: No, you’re Wiccan, you have 3 cats.


Be nice to your children for they will choose your rest home (Phyllis Diller)

Don’t take life so seriously … it’s not permanent.

Despite the cost of living, it’s still quite popular.

The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired (Milton Berle)

The aging process would be slowed if it had to work its way through Congress

I have everything I had 20 years ago, only now it’s all a little bit lower (Gypsy Rose Lee)

“There’s no such thing as a tough child — if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.” – W.C. Fields

“At one point we decided to fight fire with fire… Well… basically… your house burned even faster.” – Ex-Fireman

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons – Popular Mechanics, 1949

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” – Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

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After 32 years and 4 aborted attempts, tomorrow my dream becomes a reality. As a 43 yo, I finally get braces. To know that I won’t be ashamed of my smile anymore TOTALLY MML

If you have macho guy friends visiting don’t forget you hung your girly panties in the shower to dry. Specially if you’re a closet transvestite. #LFMF

Today is my birthday and I don’t have a lot of money so I planned a quiet day off from work. My mobile went off this morning and I didn’t reach it in time. When I listened back to the voicemail it was my awesome co-workers singing Happy Birthday led by my brilliant boss! It really MMD!

No matter how old you are, NEVER pee in a wide-open space where any random neighbor can see you. Also, putting a white bucket on your head while peeing is NOT a valid disguise technique. #LFMF

I ‘m a volunteer bartender at a local theater. I don’t make any wages, but I’m allowed tips. This group of three Canadians came in and were some of the nicest people I’ve ever met. We talked, I told them about the show as I made their drinks. They paid with a card, and I noticed the girl paying stick a 10 dollar bill into the tip jar. I thanked them and they went to their seats. When they came for their second round, I made sure to do my best because they’d already tipped me better than anyone had before. This time they paid with a twenty and gave me the remaining four dollars as another tip. I had not expected another one from them, as they’d already given me so much. Finally for their third round the girl with the card paid again and gave me another 10 dollars. At a time when I don’t have much money, their unexpected generosity MMD!

If you leave the car window open, and it rains, and you have a plethora of crap in your car, you may want to clean it out THAT DAY. A week and a half later, the will be mold and maggots and you will be traumatized. #LFMF

10 years ago I went to France as part of a school trip and got my little brother Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone in French. He just got back from France himself and he got me The Chamber of Secrets, in French. IMMD!

When your husband gets out of the shower and starts to do a little dance get out of the way because he will trip over a table and you will end up with a penis in your eye. #LFMF

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Pagan Humor XLVII

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Post Secret LIX

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5 Common Behaviors That Turn People Off

Problem: Fidgeting
It can be assumed a guy will be bad in bed by how he moves. Quick, jerky or nervous movements show plainly that “he’s not comfortable in his own body, and won’t be comfortable with mine.”

Fix it: The quickest solution is exercise, especially a masculine sport such as boxing or MMA. If you don’t enjoy getting punched in the grill repeatedly on a daily basis, go for Crossfit—it totally changes how you move, increases body coordination and obliterates stress. Say goodbye to nervous, jerky movements and say hello to a new body type and level of fitness. As an bonus, most Crossfit boxes (gyms) are jam-packed with hot, fit women.

Problem: Queasiness
You’re grossed out by the human body and freak when a girl has leg hair, you spot menstrual blood, etc.  Andrea, 27, says “the yard shouldn’t have to be perfectly groomed for you to play in it.” If you’re verbally or visibly uneasy with the female body or your own, she senses that you’re probably going to be a pretty unimaginative lover.

Fix it: Get over it, bro. Sex is sometimes down and dirty. The more you learn to dig that, the more comfortable she’ll feel letting her guard down around you.

Problem: Indecision
Think “I don’t know, what do you want to do tonight?” That kind of wishy-washiness hardly impresses women. When a guy leaves everything up to his partner on a date, it leads them to expect that he’s going to be the same way in the bedroom, and women/potential partners don’t want that.

Fix it: Man up and plan a date. It doesn’t have to be perfect—just putting forth the effort goes a long way. Quick tip: invite her/him to something you’re already planning on doing. “Hey, have you been to the Chinese Market downtown? Some friends and I might check it out this weekend. They’ve got all kinds of unidentifiable things that you can eat. Feeling adventurous enough to join us?” The added benefit is, if she flakes, you’re not stuck sitting around.

Problem: Bad Touching
This is one of the top complaints women have about men regarding foreplay and sex. It’s something that even many experienced guys get totally, horribly wrong. Emily, a sexologist and friend of The Art of Charm, explains that she “has to like the way his casual touch feels. If I unconsciously tense up and pull away from his touch, I listen to my body. Also, if he touches me too much or not enough, I can tell he won’t know how to please me when things get more intimate.”

Fix it: Your touch should be natural, and escalate from friendly to something more over time. In other words, the exact opposite of the ultra-common mistake—not touching until you’re trying to “make a move.” Also, don’t look at the area you’re touching or call undue attention to it, which will creep her out big time. All this requires practice.

Problem: Lack of Adventure
Saying things that make you sound boring in the sack is unforgivable. Among the worst blunders is being judgmental about other people’s sexual proclivities. Katie, 29, was turned off when a guy expressed a bit of revulsion about a past sexual exploit. “He basically labeled himself a dead cow in bed when he told me that the last girl he dated was ‘kind of a freak’ because she wanted him to pull her hair. Sorry, but almost every girl I know loves that at the right time. If he thinks that was weird, I’m going to have to teach him everything, and it’ll probably fall on deaf ears.”

Fix it: Keep an open mind, and, if you can’t, shut the hell up. The saddest part is, the poor schmuck in the above example was probably just testing the waters to see if Katie would be into it—he just handled it all wrong. The best way to introduce something new, by the way, is to gently give it a try while you’re in the act and go from there. Just, maybe don’t bring out the handcuffs right away.

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Missing Girl found dead

On October 8th 2011, Amber left her residence with friends around midnight to attend local clubs in the area.

She was last seen on October 9th 2011 at 0136 hrs leaving the area of Dooley’s located on Archimedes Street, New Glasgow, NS. Wearing a black and blue shirt and black pants and a black cover sweater.

If you have information regarding Amber Donna KIRWAN please call Crime Stoppers at 1-800-222-8477, or submit a Secure Web Tip at

Also by a TEXT “TIP202 plus your message to CRIMES (274637)”.

Myth vs Fact Berkley Quake

A student who works in Berkeley City Hall claims they have been getting briefings on the earthquakes recently in Berkeley on the Hayward Fault by geologists. They have been told that what is particularly concening is that these quakes have been so deep and because of the type of fault it is, there are small swarms building up pressure on the fault, not reducing it like the norm. They claim that because of these swarms they are predicting there is a 30% of an earthquake above 6.0 in the next few weeks (Oct. 28-Nov. 30).

Yes, there is a 31% chance of a devastating quake along the Hayward Fault, however, this quake is estimated to occure sometime between 2008-2038.

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