*While waiting at a red light, the cop next to me motioned for me to roll down my window. When I did, he asked if he could cut in front of me when the light turned green. I agreed, and as soon as we went through the light he turned on his lights and pulled over the guy in front of me who had cut me off at the last intersection. IMMD.

*If you plan on growing out your beard so you can braid it, you should first consider giving up the fire spinning gig. #LFMF

*My parents were paying for a can of paint and my dad asked the employee if he could have one of the store’s promotional yardsticks. The employee gave it to him, then handed one to my mom, saying, “In case she needs to hit you back.” IMMD

*When mooching around in the attic, always remember where you are relative to the opening you climbed up through. Do not, for example, just step back. It’s closer than you think. #LFMF

*My sister (who has five kids) was making fun of my wife (who has had three miscarriages) for not having any kids. My wife waited until my sister wasn’t looking, then gave my sister’s 3 year old son a permanent marker, telling him it was magic and that anything he drew with it would be there forever. IM his D and mine!

*If the hose stops working while you’re in the middle of watering the garden and you look down it to see why, consider that your little sister may be standing at the tap waiting for you to do exactly that. #LFMF

*Every year for Halloween I dress as a different Disney Princess at work. The year I was Ariel, I had a family ask to take their baby’s photo with me and happily agreed. Upon seeing the baby’s costume I just about died of laughter. He was dressed as a little lobster. IMMD.

*When you hear your neighbors seven year old daughter calmly ask you to get the cops for her, stop, take a deep breath and think. She may just need a cup, and you will have far less to explain to the police. #LFMF

*I got a new flashlight at work, and it’s supposed to be practically indestructible– water resistant, chemical resistant, safe for flammable environments, shatterproof– and has a lifetime guarantee stating so. However, the guarantee also states that is is not warrantied against “shark bite, bear attack, or damage caused by children under five.” The fact that sharks, bears, and preschoolers are in the same category totally MMD!

*When you live in a dusty house, take the time to dust the vanes of your ceiling fan above your bed. When you change the direction for air to blow down, it will, along with all the dust and fuzz that somehow got trapped up there. #LFMF

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