• This morning we got a letter from my little brother who got split up
    from our family during the Second World War. It really made my day.
  • After months of dating, I decided it was time to introduce my son to my
    Army officer boyfriend. When the time arrived for introductions, I
    reminded my son to introduce himself "properly." he proceeded to perform
    a full curtsy and offer his hand to a very stunned and amused veteran
    soldier, then ran off, cackling madly. IMMD!
  • I work for a sales & marketing firm. We just got a new line of
    "green" cleaning products. Upon examining a bottle, I saw in fine print,
    "Please recycle me. I want to come back as a sailboat." IMMD. Open-mouthed
  • My friend’s daughter came home from school very upset, and said, "Emma
    says you’re the tooth fairy! Is that true?" My friend was caught off
    guard and said, "Well, yes," and her daughter cried, "Mo-om! How could
    you go out every night like that and leave us here alone?"
  • As I was sitting in the living room my sister walks in, scratches her
    head and says "I cannot remember what I just did." Then the fire alarm
    went off. IMMD.
  • One of the visitors in the locked psych unit was wearing a snuggie and
    wasn’t allowed to leave until they verified he wasn’t a patient. IMMD
  • When cutting your own bangs ONLY TO YOUR EYEBROWS, make sure your
    eyebrows weren’t raised in concentration. Your bangs will be very short
    when you stand back and lower your eyebrows. #LFMF
  • Aloe lotion Kleenex? Good for cleaning noses, less so for glasses. #LFMF
  • According to my wife, cleaning a used set of aluminum car rims in the
    diswasher is NOT ok…even if I did use the pot scrubber mode. #LFMF
  • Whenever you have a red substance in your stool, remember that you had
    four helpings of spaghetti and a cherry slush drink for dinner last
    night before you rush to the ER with "internal bleeding". It will save
    you from the extreme humiliation you will receive. #LFMF

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