I work at a drive up window at a financial institution. A little boy in
the backseat of a van asked his mom, "How is she getting the drawer to
come out all by itself?" The mom replied, "She’s a witch." IMMD

I used to be in the lollipop guild…but I got kicked out
Sister: Why?
Dad: For gum-chewing.

My 5-year-old wanted to borrow a gajillion
dollars from me. I thought
it was a good teaching moment, so we negotiated an interest rate and
repayment schedule. I thought he was taking it all very seriously,
until I gave him the pretend paperwork to sign and he gave me a fake
name. IMMD!

I was doing a sock puppet show on chatroulette. Some
guy took off his
sock and joined. IMMD.

I saw a girl and her boyfriend picking out
movies at Blockbuster. She
grabbed Twilight and squealed "What about this one?! This is what I
want!" and headed to the front of the store. He looked at me and
grumbled "If I wanted to watch a movie with homoerotic undertones, I’d
be renting Top Gun." IMMD

My Irish colleague decided that it
wasn’t fair that the smokers in the
office are allowed to go out every hour for a cigarette. He reasoned
that his vice was drinking, and so went out to the nearest pub every
hour for a pint. By the end of the day he was absolutely HAMMERED. IMMD

in statistics class, the teacher said we were going to study
degrees of freedom. From the back of the room I hear "so is that like
boxers vs. briefs?" IMMD

I’m a kidney specialist and
today I was giving a girl an ultrasound to
check for any kidney problems. When I pointed to the screen and said
"ok, here’s your kidney" she smiled, put her hand to her stomach and
said "I’m going to name it Carlos." IMMD

My Umbrella Cockatoo
figured out she could chase my cats through the cat
door to the basement. Today I watched her chase all 6 cats through and
then sit in the door flap laughing and IMMD.

We had a lockdown
drill at school, so we turned off the lights and piled
in the back of the classroom. My best friend sneezed five times in
rapid succession, then proceeded to apologize for killing us. IMMD

If an elderly dog dies, tell your small children that he died. Don’t
tell them, as my Mum told my brother and I, "He was very sick and Jesus
took him to Heaven to look after him"; those children might have a bit
of a dig in the garden, then tell you that Jesus left most of him
behind… #LFMF

My husband was just invited to join an adult league
soccer team…it’s
name is "Man-chest-hair United." IMMD

I bought a soda from a
vending machine, and when the can came out it
contained a Dr. Pepper t-shirt and $1.00 in quarters to buy another
drink. IMMD.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: