*While reviewing for a test in Astronomy, the teacher displayed how fast Jupiter rotates by spinning his arms around and going, "WOOOOOO~!" IMMD

*While cutting up firewood…
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing eye protection?
Dad: Eye protection is for pussies and one-eyed men!

*If you happen to look down and see a large spider crawling across the crotch of your pants, try to resist the urge to smash it to death before flicking into the floorboard. Your balls will thank you. Also, should you be unable to overcome this reflex, know that, not only will your wife nearly crash the car as she laughs hysterically at your misfortune, but she will also tell everyone you both know, and many people you don’t. #LFMF

*On my way home from work I saw a man arguing with a police officer. The man had been pulled over on the interstate riding his tricycle. IMMD

*Dad: "Lo can you please go on the computer and googalize something for me?"

*If your 3-yr-old is carrying the cat towards the kitchen muttering "kitty needs a bath," it’s really best to see what she’s planning. Especially if you have a dishwasher. #LFMF

*A church called in to our Tech Support line for internet problems. The last three digits of their ticket number were 666. IMMD

*Dad: If you drink, don’t drive.
Mom: And if you end up parked on top of two cars, we’re not bailing you out of jail.
Me: Two cars?
Dad: Don’t ask, your mom cried in jail for hours about that.

*Never accept the offer to hold your friend’s newborn right after he’s been fed, especially when you are wearing a new outfit. And did you know babies can explode from both ends at the same time? #LFMF

*At 250 pounds, I am not much of a runner–but I am trying. Today the treadmill gave me an "Overspeed Warning." IMMD

*If you don’t do as you’re told, I’m going to tie something shiny around your neck and put you on the porch for the crows to carry away.

*Always verify the presence of a chair before attempting to plunk yourself down in frustration, or you will become more frustrated. And everyone else will get a good laugh at your expense. #LFMF

*Today, as I drove to work, the pick-up truck had a bumper sticker that said "Yes, this is my truck, and no, I won’t help you move." In the bed of the truck was a bunch of furniture. IMMD.

*“You know, this would be a great place to hide a body. If I ever snapped one day and killed one of you, I’d hide the body here.”

*Always, always, check identity before grabbing your "girlfriend’s" ass from behind. You might get a hand full of a body builder’s 34 year old wife. If you do, immediately yelling "OMG, I thought you were my 20 year old girlfriend!" can save your life. #LFMF

*The other day I dropped the cap for my Coke bottle. It went rolling away and right when i started to get up to run after it, it just turned around and rolled right back to me. IMMD

*“The nurses all say she’s beautiful, but I haven’t been down to the nursery yet to see the other babies, so I don’t know.” -My mothers’ first entry in my baby book the day I was born.

*Don’t ever tell a 2 year old who likes bugs, brushing their teeth will remove the buggies from their mouth. They will refuse to open their mouth while saying they need to keep their buggies. #LFMF

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