Pagan Humor LXXXX

In Part One we discussed:

  • In the Olde Days, our pagan forefathers took craft names to conceal their identities and avoid those annoying visits by the Inquisition.
  • In modern times these aliases could also be used as a foundation for building up a magical personality and that they make really cool fashion statements.
  • Start by using a pretentious “Lord” or “Lady.”
  • Along the same lines, you can also take the name of a god, a goddess, a mythological being or a legendary hero as your craft name, thus putting yourself on the same level as the powers you invoke. Example: “Lord Jehovah God Almighty.”
  • A related approach involves taking a name that implies that you are an elf or some other kind of magical being. Try something like “Lord Celeborn Pointears the Real Live Elf.”
  • You could otherwise choose the name of your favorite fictional character and throw a tantrum unless everyone else plays along and end up tussling over a name with a dozen other people.
  • Or you can Invent a name from scratch. The best way to do this is to come up with something that sounds vaguely Celtic, perhaps by mangling a couple of existing names together, and then resolutely avoid looking it up in a Welsh or Gaelic dictionary.
  • Lastly, Fake Indian craft names are always chic, especially if the closest thing to contact with Native American spirituality you’ve ever had is watching Dances With Wolves.

So onto part two:

The Random Craft Name Generator
On the other hand, if you are individualistic like everybody else, you may be looking for a name that expresses the uniqueness of your personality but still sounds like all the other craft names you’ve ever heard. Fortunately, this isn’t too hard. Several years back, a gentleman of Lady Pixie’s acquaintance told her that the best way to get laid at a pagan gathering was to have the PA system announce, “Will Morgan and Raven please come to the information booth?” Since the resulting crowd would include at least a third of the female attendees, he went on, it wouldn’t be too hard to meet someone interesting. While Lady Pixie has not tried this out herself, she has tested the principle behind it in a series of controlled double-blinded experiments, and discovered a rule that she has (modestly) named Moondrip’s Law: 80% of all craft names are made up of the same thirty words combined in various not particularly imaginative ways.

The discovery of this principle has allowed her to make the once difficult task of creating craft names easy, by means of the Random Craft Name Generator, release 1.0.

To use the RCNG, take either two or three of the following words (using any convenient randomizing method, including personal preference). If you take two, simply run them together; if you take three, one of the words becomes the first part of the name, and the other two are combined to form the second.

Example: Raven + Wolf = Raven Wolf
Raven + Wolf + Silver = Raven Silver-Wolf (Or Raven Wolf-Silver)

Don’t forget to top it off with pretentious Lord or Lady.
Final result Lady Raven Silver-Wolf.

Now You Try:

Moon

Star

Water

Snow

Sea

Tree

Wind

Cloud

Witch

Thorn

Leaf

White

Black

Green

Fire

Rowan

Swan

Night

Red

Mist

Hawk

Feather

Eagle

Song

Sky

Storm

Sun

uh, never mind.

For the expanded version (RCNG 1.01), come up with a name by any of the methods covered elsewhere in this guide, or take some ordinary American name, and add a two-word name produced on the RCNG to the end: “Gwydion Silvertree.” “Sybil Moonwitch.” “Squatting Buffalo Firewater.” The possibilities are endless!

(Note that this list will change with shifts in fashion; Lady Pixie expects to bring out an upgrade to RCNG 2.0 in a year or two.)

Outro

It may be said by the narrow-minded (who are probably all covert Christians, anyway) that members of the Craft have better things to do with their time than the above guidelines would suggest. This shows a complete lack of insight. First of all, in an increasingly blase and tolerant culture, it’s becoming hard for white middle-class Americans to get that rush of self-righteous gratification that comes from pretending to be members of a persecuted minority; we may not be able to get burned at the stake by calling ourselves silly names, but at least we can get laughed at, and that’s something. Secondly, if we keep on treating craft names (and the Craft as a whole) as fashion statements, that spares us the unpleasant drudgery of actually learning magic and making it part of our lives. Finally, if we’re pretentious enough, those people who actually know enough to magic their way out of a wet paper bag will roll their eyes and go somewhere else, and we can keep on fighting our witch wars, casting vast astral whammies and invoking powers we don’t have a clue how to control, all in the serene certainty that no one is actually going to get hurt.

On the other hand, we could take the Craft seriously…but who wants to do that?

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