I’m the second oldest of five boys. My older brother has 4 boys. I have 1 boy. My younger brother just found out he’s having the first girl in the whole family. How does he tell us? By yelling “C-C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!!!” IMMD
(At a mexican restaurant)
Dad: I’ve never really cared for fried ice cream.
Mom: Oh God I’ll take two. It’s like angel poop, if angels could really poop. Oh, crispy, crispy angel poop.
When feeding my dog, I said to her (in baby voice) “Monster, U CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER!”. Upon hearing this, my husband said “F*** no! She doesn’t sound like that! That bitch had 4 years of finishing school. If anything she says “Muhhmmmehhh, pardon me mummmehhh, but perhaps I could have some of that delightful beef and cheese sandwhich?”‘!!! IMMD
Dad: So you’re going to your friends house tonight?
Me: Yeah..
Dad: Are there going to be any horny boys there?
Me: No…
Dad: Good. You know I don’t care about the winecoolers or weed, but we don’t need to getting pregnant.
i was telling my mother one day that my 2 yr-old daughter was now swearing because of her. my mother is portuguese so her english is accented. my mom argued that it was not true,etc…until my daughter bumped her head on our dining room table and exclaimed rather loudly, “ohh sheet!” IMMD.
Mom pushing buttons furiously on the car’s console.
ME: What are you trying to do?
MOM: Turn off the seat warmers!
ME: This car doesn’t have them
MOM: Well then I’m having a hot flash! Roll down the @#$%^ windows!!!!
Yesterday, the high school girl who made my life miserable added me on facebook. I accepted. The first thing she wrote on my wall? She got a job at a company and is no doubt more successful than I am. I own the company she works for. IMMD
Grandma’s 80th birthday party speech:
Grandma: …and so we were blessed with seven kids, because you know, at this time, there was no birth control.
Elderly Guests: -laugh-
Grandchildren: O_O
When I was 6 or so I was abused by my stepfather and ever since I’ve been very mistrusting and shy and have never been able to get close enough to a boy to date anyone. But 11 years later and I’ve had my first date and felt so comfortable and happy with him I wanted to cry. It’s completely MMLife so far 🙂
Mom: If you don’t stop I will unscrew your belly button and your butt will fall off!
My friend is a third grade teacher. One of her students farted in class and she took him into the hall to talk to him. She told him that he should say “excuse me’ or I’m sorry” or, he could squeeze his cheeks together and move away. He looked at her, perplexed, squeezed the cheeks on his face together and said, “I don’t see how that’s gonna help!” IMMD
Me: Happy birthday Dad!
Dad: Happy Conception Day!
I recently had to go on a gluten free diet, (no wheat, rye, barley), due to a medical condition. My dear friend Catie knew how much I was missing decent bread & cookies during the holidays, so she spent part of her Christmas Day baking gluten free oatmeal cookies just for me. She even used her brand new bread maker for the first time to make gluten free bread for me. She is a mom with two small children, so for her to give up part of her Christmas day for me was really humbling, and IMMD!
(Talking about who I’ll marry)
Dad: I’ll accept any race, religion, and even gender but I draw the line at clowns and mimes!”
Today, my girlfriend’s seven-year-old son asked if I would be his mama, too. When I asked how that would work, he said that she and I would have to get married, and then proceeded to plan our entire wedding. His acceptance of me as a part of their lives totally MMD!
Me (to brother): You’re so handsome and smart!
Brother: Stop it! Mom, make her stop!
Mom: Stop teasing your brother.
Me: Fine. You’re an ugly freak.
Mom: That’s better. Now tell your sister ‘thank you’ for saying such nice things.
I was picking up my glasses and a woman was there with her toddler. The little girl picked up some sun glasses and handed them to mom, who said quite seriously, “no, those would make me look like Yoko Ono.” The toddler said, “ewwwww” and put them back on the shelf. The mom looked at me and said “You have to start them off right.” MMD
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