*Me: “How did you manage figuring out how to join Matt’s event on Facebook?”
Dad: “I don’t know how I responded because I tried and could not figure it out. I clicked on party’s and before I could get out of there I think I signed up for a kegger party, some gay guys dog baptism, and some fat chick with a full beard is coming to pick me up at 9:30 tomorrow night on a moped. I am never going on facebook again.”

*A friend introduced me to a woman and said, “This is Richard. He just got into the nursing program.” She looked at me and scoffed, “a MALE nurse?!” But I had a great comeback ready. Without missing a beat I said, “I applied to be a female nurse, but I didn’t pass the physical.” Everybody but her laughed. IMMD

*You are not Supermom. You cannot nurse the baby, comfort the sick child and cook dinner at the same time. The resulting fire is hard to explain. #LFMF

*I recently moved into a new place that happens to be down the street from one of my favorite bars. I went to meet one of my closest friends (who had been going through cancer treatments) and bragged that I’m now only an 8-minute walk away. Her reply of “that’s great! I’m cancer-free!” was the greatest one-up ever, and totally MMD!

*Do not read zombie books at bedtime, because half-asleep little girls who come looking for a hug after a bad dream can look a lot like a zombie to their half-awake mother. It was bad for both of us. #LFMF

*I was at the grocery store today and I saw a little girl being pulled through the the store by a man. It didn’t look right, so I asked if she knew the man. She said no! He pushed me down and started pulling her even faster. I started screaming, “don’t let him get away that’s not his daughter! He’s kidnapping her!” He dropped her hand and started running. The manager called her parents up the front of the store and they paid for my groceries! IMMD

*I accidently listened to Justin Bieber. #LFMF

*today was my brithday. it was a pretty crummy day all day, until when i finally got back home from work. i went into the kitchen where a box of pizza sat. on the box there was a phone number and an arrow pointing to my entertainment center. there, sitting on the dvd player was a box set of the old TNMT cartoon series with a note that said to let my inner kid out… signed by my dad who i havent spoken to in 10 years. we finally made up over ninja turtles and cold pizza.

*DO NOT marry a selfish man, thinking he will “learn to share” — he won’t. #LFMF

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